I hold a not-so-popular opinion and I will prove it to you in 4 minutes. Sit tight.

You know when you go into the comment section of that TikTok you are almost certain will attract multiple roasts, and you are already laughing at the mean comments you know you will find? Or when someone slightly annoys you and some of the meanest thoughts you have ever had pop into your head? Or when you come across a truly terrible pair of shoes and have to stop your mouth before it utters an unprocessed thought?

That is the thing, we all have these moments. These flashes of meanness, judgment, or cruelty that pop into our heads uninvited. And my unpopular opinion? That is perfectly normal.

What separates good people from bad ones is not whether you have mean thoughts. It is whether you let them win.

We're All Wired for Meanness Sometimes

Some people believe that truly kind people don't even have mean thoughts — that if you were really good, you would not see the worst in someone or feel the urge to say something cutting. I don't buy it.

Mean thoughts happen for perfectly human reasons. That frustration that comes when someone cuts in line, the jealousy felt when a friend gets something you wanted, or exhaustion that makes everyone around you feel like an inconvenience. Your brain is not a perfectly curated feed of good observations. It is messy, reactive, and sometimes petty.

That does not make you defective. It makes you human.

The difference is not in whether these thoughts show up. The difference is in what you do when they arrive.

The Gap Between Thinking and Doing

There is a world of difference between thinking something mean and saying it out loud. One exists only in your head while the other lands on a real person with real feelings.

When you think someone's presentation is boring, that is just a thought. When you roll your eyes and murmur about it, you have just made them feel small. When you see someone wearing an outfit you hate and keep it to yourself, no harm done. When you make a comment, even as a joke, you might ruin their confidence for the rest of the day.

This gap between thought and action is where your character lives. It is the moment you pause, recognize the mean impulse, and choose not to feed it. And, that pause is everything.

Why We Choose to Control It

We control our meanness because other people's feelings matter. It sounds simple, but it is the entire foundation of decency.

Empathy is the brake system. It is that split second where you imagine how your words would feel if they were directed at you. It is remembering that the person who just annoyed you is also someone's friend, someone's family, someone who is probably having a harder day than you realize.

One mean comment can ruin someone's week. One dismissive remark can stick in their mind for years. We have all been on the receiving end of casual cruelty, and we remember exactly how it felt. That memory is what stops us from inflicting it on others.

The Real Virtue Is in the Struggle

Here is where my opinion gets really unpopular: the person who has to actively control their meanness might actually be a better person than someone who never feels it at all.

Goodness that costs you nothing is not really goodness. It is just temperament. But when you feel the urge to be cruel and you stop yourself, when you choose kindness even though meanness would feel so satisfying in the moment, that is moral effort. That is character.

Think of it like physical fitness. You do not get credit for never craving junk food if you genuinely never want it. The person who resists the craving is the one building strength.

The Everyday Heroism of Being Decent

Being good is not effortless. It is a choice you make repeatedly, sometimes several times in a single conversation. Every time you swallow a cruel joke, every time you give someone grace instead of judgment, every time you choose their dignity over your momentary satisfaction, you are being a better person.

Not because you are perfect or never have ugly thoughts, but because you recognize that how you treat people matters more than how you feel about them in any given moment.

That is what makes you good. Not the absence of meanness, but the refusal to let it win.