As far as Akin can remember, just the thought of his mother calling his name dreaded him, after the fear of God, He feared his mother next because what the woman have use his eyes to see, his mouth cannot fully say it but can only be experienced.

He always prayed that he never did something that would annoy his mother, because the consequences of his action was never something that could be predicted, not even by him.

If you grew up in an African home, there is a definitely high chance you survived a military regime, a system of governance that would make some dictators blush that they have some empathy in them.

This regime I am talking about had no constitution, there was never any prior warning to any cases whatsoever and there was no court to appeal your case.

The regime I am talking about here just had rules — spoken, unspoken, gestured, and sometimes launched at your head in the form of a slipper that was more accurate than David's shot at Goliath.

African mothers did not just engage in parenting; they were parenting themselves, like I mean they were first and the last in the matters of child upbringing.

There were no long lectures about feelings, nobody had that time, instead, there were eye movements that could shut down a whole playground and send signals that even an Air Traffic Control Official would not find on a radar.

If you have had the experience first hand, you know that one look from your mother in public that would make you suddenly remember your home address, your surname, and the consequences of disobedience all in one breath.

It was funny, it was terrifying and somehow, it worked and also didn’t.

Because while it raised disciplined children who knew how to behave, it also produced adults who flinched at loud voices, apologized too quickly, and struggled to express emotions without guilt.

It was actually two sides of the same coin.

The African Mother: Fear, Love, and Tactical Discipline

The typical African mother did not believe in explaining rules, why should they do that? You were expected to know and if you didn’t know, you would learn and you would learn the hard way.

If you were sent on an errand and forgot halfway — you would cry.

If you went out to play and overstayed — you would cry.

If you ate food from a neighbour without permission — cry.

If you collected snacks from visitors without approval — cry in capital letters.

And the approval was never verbal, words didn't need to come out from her mouth before you got the message.

This approval was all embedded in the gestures that were seen in a nod, a raised eyebrow, a subtle shake of the head or even a cough. Communication happened in silence because embarrassing your mother publicly was another offence entirely.

Visiting someone with your mother was like attending diplomatic talks with a ruthless dictator that would always tell you to feel relaxed. You do not accept anything without clearance and we all know that in Africa refusing food wrongly could insult the host because it was an act of goodwill and hospitality.

But the irony in this is that accepting food wrongly could end your life at home. You had to master the art of polite refusal with invisible cues and strategy.

It was a war zone, one that you would always want to get out from.

Discipline was not just a word you come across in the dictionary, it was an action word that always saw the light of reality which of course was done by the association of African mothers. It always came swiftly and creatively.

Slippers always flew without calculating projectile range and they never missed, hands appeared from nowhere that would reset your neurological system and your cognitive pattern. Threats were issued that no human rights organisation could trace.

Yet after the hot tears came something that was always confusing to me — food, drinks and gifts, one that was meant to appease you but there was no apology in sight, neither is there any explanation. Just peace restored without a peace meeting.

Everyone just moved on and everyone understood the system, with no ill feelings attached just love so i was told.

This method produced children who knew respect, structure, boundaries, and consequences. Children learned accountability early and dare not move without discretion, they learned that actions had outcomes and they learned to read rooms and control impulses.

But it also produced children who learned fear before understanding, silence before expression, obedience before confidence and a taint in their confidence and self expression.

Soft Parenting And The World Today

Fast forward to now.

We are currently in the era of gentle parenting, soft parenting, conscious parenting, all valid, all necessary, all important. Many African parents are unlearning, strict parenting, the trauma it might cause and are choosing kindness. This is progress.

But somewhere along the line, I have come to realize that the pendulum might have swung too far.

Children now scream in public, throw tantrums, disrupt spaces, and some parents respond with, “Ignore him, he’s just a child. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

Respectfully, I disagree.

If a child is old enough to misbehave deliberately, they are old enough to be corrected. Being a child is not a license for chaos, boundaries are not wickedness and should be adhered to.

And let me be clear,just putting it out here with no violence intended, no harm of any kind but just structure and pure love for the heritage of the African mother who were heroes in their prime.

If any child misbehaves around me repeatedly, I will intervene. But of course it will be done calmly, firmly and clearly, so the child does not have any benefit of doubts.

Because the child will stop seeing the benefits and start doubting everything.

Peacefully violent, if you will see it in that light, because I too am an adult, and I know what I am doing.

Children need guidance, not fear, but they also need limits. Saying “ignore them” teaches children that actions have no consequences and this might unintentionally force a belief in their head that society will adjust around them and that accountability is optional.

And that is how we raise adults who struggle with responsibility, entitlement, and emotional regulation.

Gentle parenting is not the absence of discipline. It is discipline without humiliation, correction without cruelty and authority without fear.

Soft parenting done right creates emotionally intelligent children, but soft parenting done wrong creates chaos.

Finding the Balance: Raising Responsible and Emotionally Stable Humans

In some scenarios two truths can coexist and it is simple: African parenting worked and also caused damage.

Gentle parenting on the other hand is a better approach but it heals and also stands the risk of being excess.

The solution is not choosing one over the other, it is actually integrating both of them.

Children need structure and empathy, discipline and explanation, boundaries and emotional safety. They need to know when they are wrong and why they are wrong. They need correction that teaches, not just punishes.

Fear may control behaviour temporarily, but understanding builds character permanently.

Likewise, excessive softness without boundaries creates children who are unprepared for a world that will not always be gentle with them.

Balance means:

• Correcting behaviour without shaming the child

• Setting rules and explaining consequences

• Teaching respect while allowing expression

• Being firm without being cruel

• Being gentle without being too permissive

African mothers raised survivors, the new generation must raise functional and emotionally healthy adults.

And yes, sometimes laughter helps, because when you look back, the whole experience was ridiculous, dramatic, and oddly bonding.

If you truly want to understand African motherhood, just watch Nigerian content creators like iamdikeh or Mclarryj. Their content captures the madness, the love, the fear, and the humour of living with an African mother perfectly.

It was a military regime, but one run by women who loved fiercely, disciplined harshly, and sacrificed endlessly.

The task now is not to erase their methods, but to evolve them for healthy parenting.

See you next time.