A metaphorical court, dubbed 'The Bench of Reason and Reflection,' convened not by formal summons but by sheer exhaustion, to deliver a scathing judgment on an article penned by Remmy Chongo. Mr. Chongo, who seemingly appointed himself Advocate-General of Facebook and Prosecutor-in-Chief of WhatsApp, published an article titled “Enough of the Drama,” which, ironically, served only to escalate the very drama it purported to condemn.

The self-appointed court outlined several serious charges against Mr. Chongo's publication. Firstly, it was accused of 'Speculation in the First Degree,' for daring to present conjecture as unassailable fact without offering a single piece of admissible evidence. Secondly, the article faced a charge of 'Overreach with Intent to Impress,' highlighted by its bizarre invocation of the FBI in what was essentially a domestic dispute, treating Lusaka as if it were a mere extension of Washington DC. Finally, the grave offence of 'Contradiction by Conduct' was leveled against it, as Mr. Chongo denounced theatricality while simultaneously performing as the lead actor, director, and playwright in his own elaborate legal pantomime.

In his submissions, Mr. Chongo put forth several assertive, albeit unsubstantiated, claims. He declared that if former president Edgar Lungu is alive, then a conspiracy must exist; conversely, if Lungu is deceased, then his family, lawyers, or even undertakers are liars. His argument consistently posited that someone, though unspecified, must be guilty. Furthermore, he suggested that Zambia’s entire legal fraternity might require mass disbarment, families might need en bloc prosecution, and the FBI should be imported directly to Kenneth Kaunda International Airport to restore 'national dignity.' The Bench of Reason and Reflection found these submissions to be imaginative, if not intoxicating, in their audacity.

After a thorough review, the court presented its findings of fact. It determined that Mr. Chongo had fundamentally mistaken the Penal Code for a magical carpet, hoping it would transport him effortlessly over the swamp of evidence he conspicuously avoided. His call for the FBI was deemed a clear instance of 'jurisdictional hallucination,' entirely unsupported by any legal precedent, statute, or indeed, common sense. Moreover, his impassioned cry of “Enough of the drama,” delivered within a monologue of Shakespearean proportions, was identified as self-contradiction of the highest order.

Based on these findings, the court delivered its unequivocal verdict. The charge of 'Speculation in the First Degree' was sustained, while 'Overreach with Intent to Impress' was proven beyond a reasonable doubt. The charge of 'Contradiction by Conduct' was upheld with unanimous laughter, underscoring the satirical nature of the proceedings.

The article by Remmy Chongo was subsequently sentenced to immediate confinement within the 'archives of Facebook Overexaggerations (Vol. III),' with the additional penalty of hard labour in the court of public satire. Mr. Chongo himself was ordered to pay costs, not in currency, but in humility: a full public acknowledgment that vociferously proclaiming 'legal consequences' without any supporting evidence is the quintessential definition of empty rhetoric. This judgment was solemnly 'Ordered, Delivered, signed, and mocked this day' by 'The High Court of Common Sense,' which declared itself to be 'sitting in perpetual contempt of megalomaniac monologues.'