Written By: Bakare Zainab

Feature Image Credit: Newsweek

It all started with “Hey” followed by a full stop and smiley emoji and Sade was mildly curious at the unknown number sending her a message at 22:40pm.

Then, it graduated to late-night conversations, hours of face time, a face full of smiles at the special notification sound, and even dreams of what their kids will look like. By the end of the first month, they had attended hangouts and went on walks.

By the second month, the texts dwindled, the FaceTimes stopped, and soon, he disappeared. No explanation, no excuse, just evaporated like methylated spirit on a concrete floor.

And, Sade? She was not shocked, just slightly disappointed. Disappointed because of how she treated this — another talking stage based on vibes, “let's go with the flow” and zero foundation. A stage that might as well have ended in a situationship and undefined “ship”.

Sade's story is one of the many stories in the modern African dating scene and does it seem to get better?

In 2025, dating among African youth has become a rollercoaster of shared memes, podcast references, soft life aesthetics, unspoken expectations, and plenty of vibes. Everyone is “talking,” but no one is committing. Sincerity is suddenly a luxury that the youths can't afford and this is the tragedy of the modern African dating scene.

Vibes Over Values

Let’s start with the “vibes.” If your relationship doesn’t have aesthetic lighting, good banter, and a shared music taste, what are you doing? Love in 2025 is not necessarily about compatibility; it is about chemistry — the kind where the couple looks aesthetically good together, where the couple's image fits into the social media standards.

We are a generation addicted to energy. “If the energy is off, I’m leaving” is the new gospel. But no one is sure exactly what the energy should feel like. Vibes are great until you realize they don’t make sacrifices, hold space for you when you are anxious, or pick your call when you are confused. Many of us are in love with the idea of love — the kind we see on TikTok and Instagram, not the real, messy kind that actually requires effort and sacrifices.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Podcast Poison

Everybody is now a relationship expert — as long as they have a mic, two friends who agree with them, a catchy title like “Women, Stop Praising The Bare Minimum!” and it is on Spotify or Youtube. We have flooded the internet with so many hot takes that it is hard to know what healthy love even looks like anymore.

Now, before you can like someone, you have to mentally assess if they are “emotionally available,” if their love language matches yours, and whether they align with Tiktok values. And if they don’t? It’s a red flag.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Red Flags, Green Flags and Overthinking

“If he didn't get you flowers on your first date, he is a red flag”, “If he didn't open the door of the car for you, he is a red flag” and many more hot relationship takes are on the internet, making the minds of the youths their home. But, we are tired. Tired of overanalysing every move, actions and sign — constantly giving a person no chance to try, expecting disappointment.

We have labelled normal human traits as dealbreakers — if he doesn’t text back in five minutes, he is avoidant and not into you. If she likes K-dramas, she has unrealistic expectations. We have turned human interaction into a diagnostic checklist.

The truth is, not every bad date is trauma. Some are just emotionally unavailable, not toxic. Some are just boring, not narcissists. But with everyone afraid to be vulnerable, it is safer to leave before we get left. Better to ghost than get ghosted. And so we dance — emotionally distant, yet always online.

The Money Equation

It is hard to talk about dating without talking about money. Because in this economy, love is expensive. Dates cost money, soft life and vacations cost money. Expectations cost money.

For men, there is the constant pressure to “provide”, even when they’re just trying to survive. For women, there is the balancing act of wanting financial stability but not wanting to be seen as “materialistic.”

And for everyone in between, there is the quiet panic of trying to show up looking successful while you are barely holding it together.

We are trying to build romance in a system that romanticizes wealth and labels struggle as unattractive. It is no wonder many people choose transactional relationships,at least everyone knows what they’re signing up for.

Dating, But Make It Online

Let’s not forget the digital nature of modern love. We are in love with people we have never met. We curate ourselves for the algorithm, slide into DMs with our best angles, and expect deep connection from 140 characters.

Even when we do go out, we are texting five other people. We are comparing them to our “type”, and wondering if we should update our bios.

Technology gave us access, but it also gave us options, too many. And when you think there is always something better out there, you stop nurturing what’s in front of you.

Emotional Burnout and the Rise of Singleness

It is not all bitterness, though. Some of the youths are just genuinely tired. Tired of the mind games, the mixed signals, the emotionally stunted situationships. So they have bowed out, gracefully.

They are healing, journaling, doing skincare routines, and minding our business. Singleness has stopped being something you explain or feel ashamed of, it is now a lifestyle. A conscious decision because peace of mind is your mantra and being in love with yourself is safer than being confused with someone else.

The emotional labour of modern dating is heavy. You are constantly asked to be healed, self-aware, soft, funny, emotionally intelligent, financially stable, and still fine as hell. It is exhausting, so more people are choosing peace over performance.

What Now?

Are we doomed? Not quite. Love is still happening. People are still finding their person and marriages are happening. But what has changed is the intentionality.

We are no longer dating because it is what society says we should do. We are dating because we want to and that’s a start.

But for that to work, we need to unlearn a few things. Love doesn't always come dressed in red flags and Pinterest quotes. Sometimes, it is boring. Sometimes, it is quiet. It is just two people deciding to choose each other, every day, despite the noise.

Until then, we will keep hoping one day, we will be ready to put the phones down, open our hearts, and say, “I like you. Do you like me too?”

Written By: Bakare Zainab