There are two kinds of people in Nigeria: those who have eaten suya and those who are living a deeply unfulfilling life.

If you belong to the first group, you already know that suya is not just food. It is a whole mood.

And like every sacred institution, it comes with rules, none of which are written down anywhere, none of which anyone will explicitly teach you, but all of which you are somehow expected to know.

Consider this your crash course.

Rule 1: Never Buy Suya Before Dark. The Bacteria Are Still Awake

This is perhaps the most sacred rule in the suya constitution, passed down from generation to generation with the same conviction.

Ask any Nigerian why they prefer their suya at around 7-10pm and they will tell you, completely seriously, that the bacteria are asleep by then.

Is there research to support this? No. Do we care? Also no.

What we do know is that suya hits different at night. The air is cool, the vibe is right, and somehow, psychologically, it just tastes better. Science can stay in its lane.

Rule 2: The Longer the Queue, the Safer the Meat

When it comes to suya, just drop your health certifications at home.

The only quality assurance that matters at a suya spot is the crowd level. If there are at least ten people standing in front of that mallam's table, you are in good hands.

A long queue means the suya is moving fast, which means it is fresh, which means you are safe. An empty suya spot is a red flag.

Actually, it is several red flags tied together and waving aggressively in your face. Keep walking.

Rule 3: Always Smell It Before You Commit

Your nose is your first line of defence and your most honest friend.Before you hand over your money, lean in slightly, just casually, like you are admiring the setup, and smell the meat.

Fresh suya has a specific scent, that smoky, spiced, deeply enticing scent. Suya that has been sitting too long smells like regret. You will know the difference.

Your stomach, unfortunately, will also know the difference approximately six hours later if you ignored this step. The nose knows, trust the nose.

Rule 4: If the Yaaji Is Generous, Forgive Everything

A suya mallam who is heavy-handed with the yaajiis a mallam who respects you. That spice blend is the soul of the whole experience.

If the yaji is thick and generously applied, you are in a safe space. Minor concerns about how long the meat has been on that table? Dissolved.

Slight uncertainty about the source of the beef? Gone. Great yaaji is a peace offering and you should accept it with gratitude.

Rule 5: Never Ask How Long It Has Been Sitting There

This is a firm, non-negotiable rule. There are questions that move the world forward and questions that simply ruin your evening.

'How long has this suya been out?' belongs firmly in the second category. You do not want to know the answer. The mallam does not want to give you the answer. Nobody wins.

Some knowledge is a burden, and this is one of those times. Order your suya, collect your newspaper wrap, and keep it moving. Or just make yours at home if you are that curious.

Rule 6: Eat It Immediately. Suya Has a Spiritual Window

There is a narrow window, roughly fifteen to twenty minutes after purchase, during which suya is at its absolute peak.

The meat is warm, the fat is still slightly sizzling, the yaaji is fresh against your fingers. This is the moment.

Do not save some for later. Do not put it in the fridge and expect it to be the same the next morning. Suya is a live experience.

The moment it goes cold, something inside it dies and something inside you will too when you bite into it. Act accordingly.

Rule 7: The Plastic Bag Sweat Is Part of the Experience

If you have ever bought suya to go, you know the bag.Warm, slightly damp on the inside from steam and spice, radiating heat through your fingers the whole ride home.

Beginners find this alarming. Veterans find this comforting. That warmth is proof your suya is still warm, still active, still worth it.

The moment the bag stops sweating is the moment you should start worrying. Embrace the sweat.

A Final Word for the Bold and the Hungry

Look, if you have read this far, you are either a suya enthusiast, someone who has recently made a questionable late-night purchase and is waiting to see how it plays out, or both. Either way, we see you.

The truth is, no guide can fully prepare you for every suya encounter. Sometimes the meat is perfect. Sometimes you take a bite and something in your gut, literally, tells you that tonight is going to be a long night.

But that is the gamble and we keep taking it, because the upside is just that good. Suya is worth the risk. It always has been.

And somewhere right now, a mallam is fanning hot coals, the smoke is rising into the night air, and the bacteria, as we have been assured, are fast asleep.