Spare the rod and spoil the child; many African parents took that statement to heart as if it was a golden rule of parenting.

Across many African societies, strict parenting has long been upheld as the gold standard of child-rearing. It has and is still often romanticized as the formula that produces disciplined, successful, and morally upright adults.

“Spare the rod and spoil the child” wasn't just a proverb flying around, it is a philosophy deeply embedded in homes, schools, religious spaces, and even workplaces.

Unending obedience was rewarded as a sign of compliance, silence was praised as being socially disciplined and questioning authority was seen as an act of rebellion and frowned upon

And fear? Even though nobody is talking about it was quietly deeply entrenched in parenting and became a teaching tool.

But as generations both past and present have been raised under this model and many have now grown into adulthood, an uncomfortable question needs to be asked and it's simple: did strict parenting actually pay off or have we merely inherited its consequences and mislabeled them as virtues?

Before we move forward it is important for me to state clearly that this is not an argument against structure, rules, or accountability.

Order is necessary for any society to function, boundaries matter and guidance matters for ensuring continuity of precepts, principles and morals.

However, when strictness becomes excessive, it shuts down dialogue, curiosity, and emotional expression.

At this point or state it actually stops being a form of discipline and starts becoming more of control. From a social perspective, it is worth asking whether the outcomes of strict parenting truly justify the costs.

The Social Logic Behind Strict Parenting

Strict parenting, especially in African contexts, did not just emerge out of cruelty or need to take children as if they needed to be tamed.

It was shaped by history, upbringing, family legacies, economic instability, and the urgent need to prepare children for a harsh world. Parents believed that toughness would breed resilience, and that obedience would keep children safe from danger, failure, or moral collapse.

In theory, strict parenting promised clear benefits, well-behaved children, respect for authority, focus on education, and avoidance of social vices.

Many adults raised this way did excel academically, followed instructions well, and avoided trouble. On the surface, it looked like success.

But social outcomes are not measured only by compliance. They are measured by how well individuals relate, communicate, adapt, and advocate for themselves in complex social systems. And this is where cracks begin to show.

Being overly strict, whether in parenting, teaching, or even in professional environments, often limits conversation, understanding, and genuine connection.

When children are raised in environments where fear replaces dialogue, they learn how to obey, but not how to express. They learn rules, but not reasoning. They learn consequences, but not confidence. The social impact is seen across society.

• Discipline Masked And Administered As Silence

One of the most common outcomes reported by adults raised under extreme strictness is emotional inhibition. Voicing displeasure was always labeled disrespect, asking questions was seen as being rebellious and expressing discomfort was dismissed as weakness.

Over time, children internalized a dangerous behaviour and it was that silence equals safety.

This silence does not disappear with age or time, It simply changes form because humans whether adults or not are shaped by their environment, upbringing and what they are accustomed to.

You see it when adults or young teenagers freeze during conversations with their peers, unsure how to contribute without sounding “wrong.”

You see it when networking in one’s late twenties feels like climbing a mountain, because initiating conversations was never practiced, only compliance was.

You see it when social anxiety quietly steals job opportunities, relationships, and self-worth because you couldn't fully express yourself with feeling a lump grow in your throat.

The “obedient child” often grows into an insecure adult, not because they lack intelligence or talent, but because they were never allowed to exercise their voice.

Confidence, after all and as we all know it, is not inherited. It is built through repeated experiences of being heard without punishment.

• Consequences Always Wrapped as Social Order
  

One thing that supporters of strict parenting often point to is “order and good behavior” as its greatest achievement.

And yes, strict systems do produce order, but at what cost? When order is maintained through fear rather than understanding, the result is compliance without conviction.

This is how consequences become wrapped up as social order.

Adults who struggle to speak up even when wronged or when they do not like something or someone.

People who cannot complain at the salon after receiving the wrong hairstyle, even as their chest tightens and their throat closes.

They smile, pay, walk away, and cry later, not always with tears, but with frustration, resentment, and self-blame.

In relationships, this looks like tolerating disrespect because confrontation feels unsafe.

In workplaces, it shows up as employees who accept exploitation silently, mistaking endurance for professionalism.

In society, it produces citizens who fear authority instead of engaging with it.

These are not isolated incidents, they are patterned behaviors rooted in early conditioning.

Did Strict Parenting Actually Pay Off?

To answer this honestly, we must listen not just to parents, but to the children who became adults under these strict parents. From a social perspective, the evidence is mixed at best.

Yes, strict parenting can produce discipline, structure, and focus. But it also frequently produces fear-based decision-making, emotional suppression, low self-advocacy, and chronic anxiety.

When weighed together, the cons often outweigh the pros, especially in modern societies that require collaboration, communication, creativity, and emotional intelligence.

The world today does not reward silence the way the past did. It rewards those who can articulate ideas, negotiate boundaries, question systems, and adapt socially. Strict parenting, in its extreme form, rarely equips children with these skills.

This does not mean all strict parenting fails. The issue is not discipline itself, but its excess. Without warmth, explanation, and emotional safety, strictness becomes a limitation rather than a guide.

Is There Room for Balance?

Source: Google

Am I saying strictness should not exist? Far from it. Children need structure, they need to understand that every action comes with a corresponding reward or consequences. They need rules, routines, and reminders of what is acceptable and what is not.

But discipline should be paired with dialogue. Authority should coexist with empathy. Correction should not erase connection.

When children are allowed to speak without fear, to disagree respectfully, to ask “why,” and to express discomfort, they learn not just obedience, but judgment.

They learn how to navigate power, not just submit to it. This balance is what produces adults who are confident yet respectful, assertive yet grounded.

Conclusion

So, did strict parenting actually pay off? From a social standpoint, the answer is complicated, but leaning toward no, not in the way it is often celebrated.

Many older adults and parents would argue the fact that civilization is making the younger generations question what has always been, but shouldn't everything done socially be questioned and eventually made to evolve?

While it may have produced order and discipline, it has also left behind a trail of adults struggling with self-expression, confidence, and emotional security.

Strict parenting did not fail because it enforced rules, it failed where it replaced understanding with fear. And fear is a poor foundation for long-term social health.

As societies evolve, so must parenting philosophies. Order without voice is not success. Discipline without empathy is not strength.

If we are honest about the outcomes we see today, it becomes clear, strict parenting, as it has been traditionally practiced, is over-hyped and its costs deserve far more attention than its praises.