Networking has long been framed as the golden ticket to career advancement: the elusive “hidden job market” is said to be unlocked through handshakes, LinkedIn messages, and well-timed coffee chats. Yet for many professionals, the word networking feels like a euphemism for transactional small talk — a performance rather than a genuine exchange. The tension is particularly sharp for those who value authenticity and fear being perceived as opportunistic. But networking does not have to be a hollow exercise. It can be reimagined as a practice rooted in mutual respect, curiosity, and reciprocity.

The Authenticity Dilemma

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One reason networking often feels fake is that the traditional playbook encourages people to seek out connections primarily for personal gain. In such situations, interactions can become stiff and overly calculated, as though each conversation is a disguised sales pitch for one’s skills.

Research by psychologist Francesca Gino of Harvard Business School shows that when professionals feel inauthentic while networking, their motivation drops, and their sense of moral discomfort rises. This isn’t just psychological — Gino found that the more people feel “dirty” about networking, the less likely they are to engage in it at all, which can harm long-term career prospects.

In African corporate culture, where hierarchy can be rigid and senior leaders may seem inaccessible, this discomfort is sometimes magnified. The result: many talented individuals avoid initiating professional relationships altogether, inadvertently limiting their opportunities.

Shifting the Goal from Extraction to Connection

The simplest way to make networking feel less performative is to redefine its purpose. Instead of approaching it as a hunt for favors or job openings, see it as a way to build shared understanding and offer value to others.

This mindset shift changes the dynamic from “What can I get?” to “What can we learn from each other?” It aligns with what anthropologist David Graeber called mutuality — the human tendency to form connections through shared interests and collaborative action rather than pure transaction.

In Lagos, for example, 29-year-old marketing strategist Ifeoma Adeoye struggled early in her career with industry events that felt like “status contests.” The turning point came when she began volunteering to help organize conferences instead of merely attending them. This role gave her an organic reason to interact with senior figures while genuinely contributing to the event’s success. Over time, she built strong, lasting professional relationships — not because she was “networking” in the conventional sense, but because she was visible, helpful, and consistent.

Finding Your Style

Not all networking needs to happen at formal mixers or on professional platforms. Introverts, in particular, may thrive in smaller, slower-paced environments.

American software engineer Daniel Ruiz found his sweet spot by participating in open-source coding projects. Rather than sending cold messages on LinkedIn, he collaborated with strangers on GitHub repositories, offering fixes, asking questions, and providing feedback. Those interactions eventually led to invitations for contract work and speaking opportunities at tech meetups — all without a single awkward “So, what do you do?” conversation over hors d'oeuvres.

What unites both Ruiz and Adeoye’s approaches is the way they embedded networking into activities they enjoyed and excelled at. In doing so, they avoided the artificiality that comes from forcing interactions in uncomfortable contexts.

The Role of Listening
Networking is often imagined as a performance — projecting confidence, delivering a crisp elevator pitch, and showcasing your achievements. But in reality, some of the most meaningful connections come from deep listening.

A 2019 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that active listening behaviors — nodding, asking follow-up questions, and reflecting back key points — significantly increased the likability and perceived competence of the listener. In other words, people who make others feel heard are remembered more positively than those who dominate the conversation.

Listening also reduces the pressure to be constantly “on” and performative. Instead, it positions networking as a process of learning — an attitude that naturally fosters authenticity.

Building in Small Steps

Trying to “build your network” in one burst — like collecting as many business cards as possible at a conference — is exhausting and rarely effective. Instead, focus on a few strategic, low-stakes actions you can sustain over time.

This could be:

• Commenting thoughtfully on a peer’s LinkedIn post.

• Reaching out to congratulate someone on a career milestone.

• Sending an interesting article to a colleague in your field.

Small gestures compound. When people see your name repeatedly in contexts where you’re offering value rather than asking for something, trust grows.

Giving Before You Receive

Generosity is the antidote to transactional networking. This doesn’t mean grand gestures — it can be as simple as sharing a useful resource, making an introduction, or offering feedback on a project.

Adam Grant, organizational psychologist and author of Give and Take, categorizes people into “givers,” “takers,” and “matchers.” His research shows that the most successful networkers are often givers who build goodwill and credibility long before they need help themselves.

When Adeoye introduced two colleagues who later collaborated on a successful campaign, neither relationship was immediately “useful” to her. But the goodwill she built paid dividends months later when one of them referred her for a high-profile role.

Using Digital Spaces Wisely

Networking today is as much about digital presence as face-to-face contact. But being visible online doesn’t mean posting constantly. It means showing up in ways that demonstrate thoughtfulness and credibility.

For example, if you work in finance, contributing well-reasoned comments to discussions on global market trends can position you as a knowledgeable voice in your niche. In creative industries, showcasing behind-the-scenes processes — not just final products — can spark conversations with peers and potential collaborators.

Daniel Ruiz’s GitHub contributions doubled as both portfolio and networking tool, attracting peers who admired his coding style.

Making Peace with Imperfection

No matter how authentic your approach, not every interaction will lead to lasting connection — and that’s fine. Networking is a numbers game in one sense, but also a long-term cultivation process.

Some contacts will remain surface-level acquaintances, others will fade, and a few will become close professional allies. The key is to keep showing up, listening, and offering value, rather than treating each exchange as a means to a narrowly defined end.

Rethinking the Word “Networking”

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Perhaps part of the discomfort lies in the word itself. “Networking” suggests something mechanical — wires connecting nodes in a circuit. Relationships, however, are organic. They grow at different speeds, in different contexts, and often in unpredictable ways.

If reframing the concept helps, think of it not as networking but as relationship-building. The latter allows for curiosity, empathy, and the slow accumulation of trust — qualities that make any professional interaction more human.

Final Thought:

Networking without feeling fake is not about learning a set of tricks to make yourself appear authentic — it’s about genuinely being authentic. That means engaging in ways that align with your values, interests, and strengths, while remaining open to the unexpected opportunities that come from helping others. When you shift the frame from “using” people to “knowing” them, your professional network becomes not just a career asset but a source of mutual growth and support.