Divorce perhaps did not come as a surprise to my two children, ages 7 and 11. I brought up the topic to my then husband on dozens of occasions throughout the last three years of our marriage. I had even retained counsel in mid-2023, although I didn’t officially file for divorce until the year after. 

It didn't seem to shock close friends, neighbors, and colleagues either. After talking with them, it occurred to me, how common divorce is—and not just among the public figures we continue to hear about.

Recently, longtime celebrity couple Jessica Simpson and her husband Eric Johnson announced their split after 10 years of marriage, as did Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren following 16 years of marriage. Both emphasized that they are prioritizing their children.

Famous or not, divorcing when you have children can be a tricky situation to navigate. Through my experience, I’ve been learning what’s important to focus on.

“Normalizing divorce is super, super important for your children, and that it's just a restructuring of that family system,” explains Olivia Dreizen Howell, a divorce expert and CEO and co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, a platform helping people navigate transitions including divorce. 

Divorce doesn’t have to be framed in a negative way where two parents hate each other. Change the narrative. 

“It's going to be that we're just changing the way that our family functions, and that's happening in nearly half of the households across America,” suggests Howell.

I was worried about sharing my emotional episodes with my children because I did not want them to see me worried or anxious. I wanted them to see me as this strong, capable mother who can handle almost anything. But I knew that was not realistic. Divorce is a very complicated process.

"You don't need to pretend you're fine; it's OK not to be fine,” reminds Tamar Kahane, PsyD, founder of The Kahane Center, an integrated mental health center providing comprehensive psychological and neuropsychological services. 

In fact, hiding the truth can be detrimental. “Telling your child that you are fine—when it’s clear that you are not—teaches your child not to trust you,” says Dr. Kahane. “In addition, it confuses them and makes them doubt their ability to read your cues.”

I admit that I tried so desperately to hide my emotions from my daughter at first, but one day, she asked me what was wrong and why my eyes were red. I decided to share my feelings with her. Every now and then, she brings up seeing me crying in the car but I’m glad I was honest with her. 

“Your child will learn a lot about relationships and how to communicate regarding their own feelings by observing you,” says Dr. Kahane, adding, “When your child sees that you are open about your own feelings, they will feel more secure and trust that they can talk about their own struggles with you.”

At the same time, it’s important for children to know their emotions over a divorce are valid, too. It’s OK for them to be sad, confused, worried, angry, or maybe even relieved. 

“This will help them process the divorce and be more likely to heal from it,” says Dr. Kahane. “By being open and communicative, both parents and children can learn to better navigate the emotional challenges of divorce in a more nurturing and supportive environment.”

I understand that now is the time to be the most communicative with my two children. I know they will have a lot of questions: Where are mom and dad going to live? Who are we going to live with? Are we moving?

"It's not a one and done conversation, as much as we'd like it to be with parents, like, ‘Phew, she seems fine, right?’" shares Dr. Kahane. "This is a process of kids absorbing it and understanding it, and coming around to it, and being given the space and the place to process it."

But remember to always keep the conversations developmentally appropriate.

Throughout the divorce process, I have learned to become more self-aware, particularly related to conversations and correspondences involving my estranged husband, whether directly or indirectly. 

If we have a conflict, I either remove myself from the situation to prevent creating further tension around our children, or I do my best to set aside my feelings for when we could have a more constructive conversation. 

In those moments of seeing my children react to tension and arguing (my son once came in between us and took hold of each of our hands), I now understand it is the conflict during divorce, not the divorce itself, that can be most challenging for children. 

“Generally, what can be potentially more challenging for children is high conflict,” confirms Susan Trotter, PhD, a relationship coach. “Divorce in and of itself, doesn't necessarily hurt children, it's when there can there's often a lot of conflict, that kids can be more potentially damaged by that.” 

One of the most critical behaviors I wish to continue to instill in my children is maintaining a solid morning, after school, and evening routine. I have noticed that this has helped build their character and independence, and I do not want the divorce process to negatively impact their daily routines. 

I recently even visited my local library to pick up a copy of the activities’ calendar and encourage regular visits there to reset and take a breather. 

One day, my son came behind me and saw me emailing a man from work. He saw the man’s photo in his signature section, and exclaimed, “Mom! He seems like he would be a great boyfriend. Do you like him?” I laughed it off and explained this was work related, but he quickly added, “Mom, I want to find you a boyfriend. I can help you!” 

His concern was sweet but, as Dr. Kahane points out, “it’s not your child’s job to parent you.”

Dr. Kahane continues, “I think that's a moment when you might want to say to him, ‘It sounds like you're worried about mommy. You want mommy to be happy, and I love that, and thank you so much. It’s not your job to make mommy happy, but I want to make sure that you're OK.’”

I will continue to strive toward regulating my emotions so I am able to make sound decisions, especially when it comes to my children.

"The number one mistake I see people in divorce doing is letting their emotions drive their decisions, whether it's about asset division or about children,” notes Dr. Trotter. 

I am learning, one day at a time, not to make hasty decisions that could affect my children in the long-term. But I am also grateful to realize now that the divorce process will be done in due course. I already have my brand new kitchenware, bath products, and bed sheets in a box ready to go and start fresh. It’s that little reminder that this whole arduous process will soon be a thing of the past.

“Keep your eye on the prize, which is the life after divorce,” says Howell. “You get to have your own family with your kids, and have the family in the way that you want, which is a really beautiful part of getting through that journey.”