HE was once known as a gentle giant with no mean bone in his body. He’s still among the most approachable players in the PBA off the court.

Yet somewhere along the way, Poy Erram turned 'Incredible Hulk,' throwing tantrums, getting into fights, one time with his own teammate, and figuring in one controversy after another, especially when the stakes were at its highest.

So what happened?

Asked what he felt triggered his emotional roller-coaster, the 35-year-old needed to go back to his past to make everyone understand his present, pointing to the pent-up emotions he initially didn’t know how to release, and gradually compounded over time.

First, it was from the pressure of winning. A reserve at Ateneo and left unsigned by TNT in his rookie year, the 6-foot-7 slotman from Misamis Oriental and Cagayan de Oro steadily felt the expectations when he got his break at Blackwater, then when NLEX envisioned him as its star big man when the Road Warriors traded for him. Then he landed at his current team to be the final piece of the championship puzzle of the MVP group’s flagship franchise.

Juggling it with the problems he has had to deal with at home made it a recipe for disaster.

“Kung titingnan mo history ko as a basketball player, nung Ateneo, hindi naman ako masyado naglalaro,” Erram began as he opened up on the Locked Down podcast on Sports Beat PH. “Wala ako nafe-feel na pressure. Go with the flow lang.”

PHOTO: SPIN.ph

PHOTO: SPIN.ph

“Ang problema ngayon, kapag may pressure na, from Blackwater to NLEX to TNT, nung dati kasi nung bata pa ako, in a way, mayroon akong napupuntahan. May mga barkada ako malapit sa’kin pag may problema ako. Pag dating ko ngayon sa Manila, yung mga taong pinagkakatiawalaan ko, every time na may problema ako, wala akong ma-outlet-an,” he added.

Keeping emotions to himself, Erram was forced to channel them on the court.

From getting into a fight in a preseason match to crying on the bench in the middle of a game, he began to show cracks in his armor at Blackwater.

Punching NorthPort import Michael Qualls in a crucial quarterfinal game that factored in his top-seeded team getting upset by the eighth-seeded Batang Pier was not Erram’s proudest moment at NLEX.

PHOTO: Jerome Ascano

And surely, everyone remembers his current outbursts at TNT that have either led to ejections or run-ins with teammates or coaches.

While he showed it on the court, Erram kept the rest of his emotions bottled up.

“So ako, alam ko nang may nararamdaman ako, hindi ko ma-explain kung ano yung nararamdaman ko. wala rin akong makausap. So kinikimkim ko lang siya lahat,” he admitted. "Hanggang sa dumating ng dumating at may malala nang pressure: pressure manalo tapos pag uwi ng bahay, ito na naman yung problem na ipu-push down mo lang ng ipu-push.”

Erram said opening up to anyone, much more in public, was by no means easy, especially if you have a tough-guy image to uphold.

“Takot ako magsabi kasi baka sabihin nila na, ‘Ah, mahina ka,’ ‘Para ka namang hindi basketball player eh. Hindi mo kaya yung mga ganyan.’” he said.

“For the longest time, dinala ko yun. Hanggang na-meet ko yung wife ko,” he added.

Even so, Erram he initially hesitated to share his problems with wife Jerrylee.

“Muntik na kami maghiwalay kasi hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya. Kasi hindi rin naman niya maiintindihan eh – yun lagi nasa isip ko,” Erram said, adding their fights would get so intense it led to broken stuff at home. “Daming nawasak dito sa bahay namin.”

It came to a boiling point where Erram, then with NLEX in 2019 and feeling “emptiness and anger” inside, wanted to take his own life. He ended up in a hospital after an overdose, at a time when his wife was pregnant with their eldest daughter, Aliya.

“Hindi ko na nga inisip asawa ko na buntis eh. Inisip ko lang matapos na. Pagod na talaga ako,” Erram admitted.

“Buti nga hindi lumabas yun (sa balita) na nag-try ako mag…” Erram paused before dropping the bomb. “Suicide.”

“Ang hirap lang na nung time na yun, wala akong makausap,” he continued as tears started coming out of his eyes.

That finally served as a wake-up call as Erram realized the importance of letting out pent-up emotions, relying on his wife as his main sounding board.

“Talagang nag-communicate na (ako). Tinyaga ko talaga,” he said. “Sobrang blessed ako sa asawa ko na naintindihan niya ako. Siya lang talaga yung nakaintindi sa akin.”

PHOTO: Mark Cristino

PHOTO: Mark Cristino

“Nagdadasal naman ako palagi, pero iba pa rin yung may nakakausap ka na pamilya mo, expert, or whatever,” he added.

For a while, Erram looked like he had recovered from his tantrums, but his emotional episodes returned when he was traded to powerhouse TNT, which eventually recommended a psychologist for the big man.

“Pag dating sa TNT, dun mo talaga mafe-feel yung pressure, kasi winning culture siya eh. Hindi naman sa bawal ka matalo, pero kailangan in contention kayo lagi for playoffs, semis, or finals. Kasi pag hindi kayo nag-contend sa playoffs, that’s a failure,” Erram said.

Add the death of his dad before the recent Commissioner’s Cup Finals and that led to a handful of outbursts in the title series, the exclamation point when he got into an argument with Tropang Giga coach Chot Reyes during a timeout in Game Five.

The Tropang 5G have won the championship and the outbursts are now behind him, but Erram has continued on his path to recovery by getting back to weekly therapy sessions with his psychologist.

“Ang laking tulong na nailabas ko na siya lahat, na yung bigat ng dala-dala ko, nailabas ko lahat, nakuwento ko.”

“Kasi hindi ka naman maiintindihan ng tao pag hindi nila alam yung buong kuwento mo eh. So yun, mas pinaintindi ko sa asawa ko, sa mga kaibigan kong nakakaalam,” he added.

PHOTO: Sherwin Vardeleon

PHOTO: Mark Cristino

And he encourages others to do the same.

“Para alam din ng mga tao para if ever may nararamdaman sila, hindi nila itago. Kung gawin nila akong example, okay lang. ma-share nila sa ibang tao. Na wag nila akong tularan na baka dumating pa sa point na too late na.

"Ako muntik na.”

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