Before the 2024 college basketball season began, Kansas State head coach Jerome Tang dropped this zinger of a quote to the assembled media members: “It’s never fun disciplining your children, right? But the Bible’s very clear that the greatest form of love is discipline, and whom a father loves, he disciplines. So, a lot of people run away from it, and that’s never been one of my shortcomings.”

Tang has four children at home and 14 players in his locker room. He disciplines them all because he cares for them and wants them to succeed. At its core, discipline is love through guidance. But it can be tricky. Because we’re harsh or angry sometimes, they are not going to take our discipline in—but there might be a way to present it that will actually reach them. If you’ve struggled to find the right words when disciplining children, you’re not alone. Here are 6 things to say when disciplining your kids.

When disciplining children, the goal is to get the kids to receive your correction, not just hear your words. Kids might feel blindsided if you dive right into discipline. But prefacing it with “I know this might be tough to hear…” softens the blow. It prepares them. When we discipline this way, kids become more open to what we’re trying to teach.

“Sit with me” tells your kids that you discipline them because they matter to you. Focus on connecting while correcting. Proverbs 3:12 explains why we discipline: “For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” I want my kids to know I delight in them. So, yes, even though we are addressing something that went wrong when we discipline, we still delight in our kids. We still love them. So, get on their level. Sit side by side with them. Remove distractions when disciplining.

When kids are little, they constantly ask, “Why?” They just want to know everything. They don’t grow out of that curiosity, so when we discipline them we should be prepared to give an answer when they ask questions. I failed to do this with my daughter when she was five, and it crushed her. She made up a story in her mind to justify my decision to discipline her, and it was far worse than reality. It caused a rift between us. Explaining why you’re doing what you’re doing provides clarity, which should reduce confusion and demonstrate that you care for your child. “Because I said so” isn’t going to cut it.

BJ Foster said something on the All Pro Dad podcast that stuck with me. His advice to dads dealing with anxious kids addicted to screens was, “If it’s not good for them, take it away.” Sometimes, we have to take away the things that aren’t good. Why? Because we love our kids, and sometimes we know better than they do what’s good for them. We can never tell our children we love them enough, and one of the goals in disciplining children should be to have them walk away still feeling loved.

Kids will respond better to correction when they know they are talking with a teammate. When disciplining children, there’s power in partnership. “Let’s find a better way” shows kids you’re with them in the fight to do better. When they are confrontational? “Let’s find a better way to handle that.” Don’t just discipline and walk away. Discipline and then talk, figuring out the best way to grow.

When kids fail, they need encouragement just as much as they need correction. Without it, discipline invites shame. After delivering the Ten Commandments to Israel, Moses dies, leaving the nation under new leadership. Joshua fills that role and encourages the people with a message. “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.” Joshua’s message wasn’t just “do what’s right.” It was “do what’s right with courage.”  Joshua’s calming “you can do this” encouraged a nation to move forward. We should mimic this approach in our homes. It will boost self-esteem and reinforce the lesson.

For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.