Co-parenting after divorce or separation is rarely a walk in the park, but if you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, it can be nearly impossible. That’s because effective co-parenting relationships are built on cooperation, shared decision making, flexibility, and clear boundaries.

These goals simply can’t be accomplished if the person you’re co-parenting with is a narcissist—people with this personality disorder are typically unable to understand anyone's needs outside of their own. And conflict between co-parents when one person is a narcissist is especially frequent and volatile.

“Because of their need for control and their sensitivity to criticism, narcissistic parents end up in battles more than other personality types,” says Stephanie Wijkstrom, LPC, NBCC, CEO and founder of Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh.

Here, we’ll break down what a narcissistic parent is, signs you may be co-parenting with one, and what to do if you find yourself in this situation.

Here’s the thing, though: narcissism does exist, it’s real, and it can be extremely challenging—and potentially dangerous—to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists can also be highly problematic parents to their kids.

“A narcissistic parent often struggles with empathy, they prioritize their own needs over the child's needs, and they may even view the child as an extension of themselves instead of a separate individual,” shares Viviana McGovern, LMFT, CEO and clinical director at Full Vida Therapy.

In parenting and co-parenting relationships, narcissism may look like emotional invalidation or using guilt and manipulation to control behavior, McGovern adds.

Here are six signs that you may be co-parenting with a narcissist.

Narcissists typically have terrible boundaries or lack boundaries altogether.

If the co-parent needs time alone, or feels uncomfortable around their partner's family, the narcissistic parent might intentionally ignore those requests or make the other parent feel guilty for stating that kind of boundary, for instance. Because (in their minds) their own needs come first, they might see their co-parent asserting boundaries as an assault on their sense of control or their own freedom, and therefore refuse to accept the limits of others.

Ignoring boundaries might also look similar to helicopter parenting—refusing to acknowledge that their children are individuals, forcing them to pursue only a path they approve of, or inserting themselves into personal situations even when the kids are older,

“You may state repeatedly your perspective or needs, but they will continually push back on them, as they have little concern for others' needs,” Wijkstrom describes.

For narcissists, love is conditional, and needs to be earned. You’ll feel this in your partnership with them, and you’ll see it in how they interact with your children. Love isn't something infinite that they offer freely and openly. It's a transaction.

“Affection or praise is given only when the child is performing well, looking the part, or doing what pleases the parent,” says  Allison Guilbault, LPC, therapist, executive mentor, and global thought leader at Mindful Mental Health.

If the child or co-parent disappoints their narcissistic parent (and often these standards are impossible to meet anyway), that love will be withdrawn, often through acts like the silent treatment, guilt-tripping, or emotional distancing themselves from their partner or kids.

Narcissists tend to make everything about themselves, always, says Allison Guilbault, LPC, therapist, executive mentor, and global thought leader at Mindful Mental Health.

If a child expresses any type of pain or discomfort, the narcissistic parent will often hijack the moment, saying something like, “You think you had it hard? Try raising you!” If their co-parent asks for help, the narcissistic might turn the situation around, claiming they are in fact the one that is overworked, while never actually offering their partner any substantial help with raising the kids.

The emotional needs of others are minimized unless they serve the narcissistic parent’s image or narrative, says Guilbault.

Empathy and compassion is typically absent in narcissistic parents. They simple struggle to relate to or understand the emotions of others, even those who are supposedly closest to them, like their kids and spouses.

“People with narcissistic personalities have little empathy, which is central to what causes others to respect others' feelings and needs,” says Wijkstrom.

This might manifest as being unable to pick up on emotional cues that would cause other parents to offer guidance or comfort to their loved ones, or the inability to understand their co-parent's perspective or emotions during times of conflict.

While others might find it easy to put themselves in another person's shoes, as the saying goes, narcissistic parents can't do that because their instinct is to be selfish.

Narcissistic parents often weaponize children emotionally, says McGovern. This might look like pitting them against the other parent. The narcissistic parent might also guilt trip the child for expressing their feelings, thoughts, or needs—accusing them of being too demanding or overwhelming, annoying, or stressing them out, even when a child clearly needs help or comfort.

Narcissistic parents might threaten to withdraw their love or attention from a child or partner, break down their self-esteem through criticism, and withhold their affection if any one in the family confronts them about their behavior.

In a parenting relationship, that might look like claiming that they feel attacked or hurt every time the other parent brings up any criticism of their parenting style, even if its done constructively or with compassion.

Another unmistakable sign someone is a narcissistic parent is that they engage in role reversal, says Banarsë. As a result, over time the other parent might notice that their child or children have become parentified—meaning that have the responsibilities of adults, when they should be acting like kids.

That might look many different ways, including kids taking on the roles their parent should be filling, like cooking their own food or making sure their siblings take baths.

Children in this family dynamic might feel as though they are responsible when their parent becomes angry or sad. Narcissistic parents often play the victim to get sympathy from their family, in turn making their kids feel even more burdened to manage the parent's emotions. The kids of narcissists are also often expected to provide emotional validation to their parents—validation and emotional support they are not receiving in return.

Kids in this situation are taught to “meet the parent's needs rather than receiving age-appropriate care and emotional support themselves,” Banarsë describes.

If you are parenting with a narcissist, the concept of co-parenting might need to be abandoned altogether, particularly if the two of you are already separated.

“Co-parenting may be too lofty of a goal if you share a child with a narcissist,” says Wijkstrom. Instead, she suggests aiming for parallel parenting, which is where you interact as little as possible with the other parent, while each maintaining separate relationships with your children.

This means establishing clear and unshakable boundaries with the other parent.—and trying your best to stand your ground even as the other parent attempts to erode them.

“A narcissistic parent will feel out your boundaries to see where they can infiltrate them,” says Wijkstrom. “They thrive on control, which is a central tenant for a narcissistic person.”

Parenting with a narcissist can be tricky and challenging, and isn’t always something you can do on your own. If you are navigating parenting with a narcissist, McGovern suggests working with a therapist who’s familiar with narcissists and high conflict dynamics. They can help you come up with a plan to protect your mental health and the well being of your children while parenting with a narcissist.