Have you noticed that teens today seem more stressed than you and I did? Ironically, it would seem that their lives are quite a bit easier than ours were in many ways, and yet teenage stress seems to be a larger issue in general. According to the American Psychological Association, on a 10 point scale where adults, on average, rate their stress levels at 3.8, teens rate theirs at 5.8.

It’s easy to chalk that up to this generation being “soft” or something silly like that. But the truth is, some of the blame lies with us. While it’s certainly unintentional, we often make choices that create an environment for our teens that is far more stressful than necessary. Here are 5 simple steps to stressing your teen out. Do you do any of them?

Teens are notorious for pushing boundaries and fighting structures. Ironically, boundaries and structures are essential for teens to feel safe and confident. Think about it, so much is changing in a teen’s life just at the biological level, let alone all around them. They need an anchor that can hold steady when everything else is thrown up in the air. So if you are constantly adjusting the rules or rarely home or absent during key moments of their lives, or if you’re all over the place emotionally, your teen will increasingly feel the anxiety and stress that comes from not being grounded.

It can be scary to ask a teen questions. You never know what he’s thinking, and sometimes you don’t want to know. So it’s easy just to let him grunt or go about his business and hope for the best, trusting that he’ll come to you if he really needs anything. The problem is, if you don’t ask questions, he’ll fill in the gap with a story about how you’re either disinterested or too scared to support him. This can leave him feeling isolated, lacking support. In short, your silence can lead to teenage stress. Have the courage to ask your teen questions. Be genuinely curious about his life. Being known and accepted brings stability and peace.

Part of what makes parenting teens so difficult is that you know she needs more freedom, and that is terrifying for you. What choices might she make if you allow her to go on that date or to that concert or to the beach with a friend? You feel out of control. The thing is, part of the challenge of raising teens is learning to let go of control. You can’t make her do what you want all the time, but you can give her some guardrails. Often, teenage stress is a result of choices she doesn’t feel equipped for. Help her by giving her direction. She may push back against it, but she needs it desperately.

I know your teen demands the ability to access his phone at all times because he needs it to socialize with his friends. This is not exactly false. Increasingly, the primary means of socialization for our kids is virtual. That said, it’s clear that increased screen time for all of us, not just teens, results in an increase in anxiety and depression and a decrease in sleep. All of these contribute to additional teenage stress. Work with your teen to come up with healthy screen time patterns. It’s not realistic to say he can’t have a phone, but it is realistic, and good, to help him develop a healthy relationship with it.

I know parents who care way too much about their teens’ popularity. When the drama erupts with her friend group, they aren’t able to help her navigate it because all they can think of is how devastating it would be to have her friends reject her. As a result they often take on her stress around it in a way that increases the stress level of everyone involved. While of course your teen needs friends, she doesn’t need to be popular. And your need for her to be popular feeds her insecurity and need to please everyone, which is a recipe for teenage stress.