Warner Bros.

"The Bonfire of the Vanities" is based on "unfilmable" novel, but if "The Lord of the Rings" and "Dune" taught us anything it's that no book is truly "unfilmable." Just don't hire Brian De Palma to direct a comedy, or cast Tom Hanks as a ruthless Wall Street shark and Bruce Willis as a shady British (in the book) tabloid columnist. Oh boy, where do I even begin with "Bonfire?" It'd take too long to say what went wrong with the 1990 turkey, so let's focus on what went right ... nothing. 

Well, except for the 1987 bestselling novel by Tom Wolfe it's based on. "Bonfire" brilliantly satirizes the corrupt, cosmopolitan yuppie culture of '80s New York better than any book, save maybe "American Psycho" (but with far less gore). Yes, the novel is long, but when even "Transformers" movies are 2.5-hours what does that even mean anymore? It would easily beat the 1990 flick's dreadful $15 million, and it'd definitely be better by following the tone of say, "The Wolf of Wall Street" or "American Hustle." Cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sherman McCoy and the rest takes care of itself.

Paramount Pictures

Following 1989's "Batman," it took 11 years for an X-Men movie, 13 years for Spider-Man, and 28 years for Wonder Woman, but only seven for "The Phantom." Because Hollywood knows what the people want! "The Phantom" poster says "Slam Evil!," which sounds like an '80s wrestler's catchphrase, but it wasn't smashing records, earning a meager $17 million on a $45 million budget. Clearly the purple suit-wearing pulp superhero from the Depression Era wasn't what moviegoers were looking for in the summer of 1996.

So what makes me think audiences would be more receptive three decades later? "The Phantom" was a rip-roaring, Saturday afternoon matinee adventure tale with an awesome main theme by David Newman that just didn't connect with mass audiences in the mid-'90s. But with our more fractured media landscape, I think there's a place for "The Phantom," (provided it has a more modest budget). If a live-action remake, lean into the over-the-top comic book violence, like "The Walking Dead." Or get creative with a family friendly CGI remake, like Netflix's "Ultraman: Rising."

Archive Photos/Getty Images

Sure, there are plenty of box office bombs on this list, but how many of them put a production company out of business? "Cutthroat Island" is the reason why studio execs fear for their jobs and never want to take any risk. With a $92 million budget (nearly $200 in today's dollars), "Cutthroat Island" earned an empty treasure chest of $10 million, sinking the pirate sub-genre to the bottom of the sea, until it was rescued by Johnny Depp and company. 

"Cutthroat Island" was a solid swashbuckler, with a stellar lead performance from Geena Davis, that maybe would have had some money left over for marketing if its budget hadn't already been blundered. Granted, it's not like the Hollywood of today is known for its budgetary restraint, but this same movie could shiver some timbers with a smaller price tag. While you're at it Hollywood, please also remake "The Long Kiss Goodnight," starring Davis as an amnesiac assassin. The one-two punch of "Cutthroat Island" and "The Long Kiss Goodnight" killed Davis and then-husband Renny Harlin's A-list careers, but both flicks deserve a reappraisal, and potentially remakes too.

20th Century Studios

Say "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension" out loud; that alone will convince you that it should be remade. Buckaroo Banzai is the ultimate polymath, and the guy your girl tells you not to worry about: a physicist, neurosurgeon, test pilot, rock musician, and most impressive of all, played by Peter Weller, so he's one degree of separation away from RoboCop. Banzai is also humanity's only hope when a battle between enemy aliens from Planet 10 comes to Earth. Oh, and his movie co-stars Christopher Lloyd, Clancy Brown, Jeff Goldblum, and John Lithgow, so it's basically a party with all your favorite character actors.

So why did "Banzai" bomb again? Maybe 1984 moviegoers just couldn't handle the combined awesomeness, or perhaps it was just too out-there. Either way, they just weren't having it. "Banzai" has since become a cult classic, but not a classic classic, so fans would celebrate a remake. Cast Ryan Gosling or Christian Bale as Buckaroo Banzai and watch as the "buck-aroos" (see what I did there?) come in.

Touchstone Pictures

Michael Crichton had the Midas Touch in the 1990s, becoming the first and only storyteller to have the number one movie, TV show, and novel out at the same time. He liked it so much, he decided to do it twice. But hey, you can't make every shot you take, and "The 13th Warrior" became one of his rare box office bombs, earning $61 million on a $125 million budget ($241 million adjusted for inflation). Admittedly, that budget was way too ambitious, as "Jurassic Park" from six years earlier cost about half as much, and it was a freaking Steven Spielberg dinosaur movie.

"Jurassic Park" was also based on a recent Crichton bestseller, while the source material for "The 13th Warrior" was a novel from 23 years before: "Eaters of the Dead." "The 13th Warrior" was a case of wrong place, wrong time, and very wrong title, as a movie about Vikings battling cannibal monsters with the book's original title would slay today. Make it an HBO miniseries or movie, just make sure Robert Eggers directs.

Walt Disney Pictures

As a general rule, I'm not into Disney remaking their animated classics in "live" action, and consider it one of the more cynical, cash-grabby trends in modern movies. But hey, if it's going to happen anyway, better the Mouse House tries to remake a solid movie that didn't work, rather than an animated masterpiece that people still watch and love. Enter "The Black Cauldron," Disney's major misfire from 1985. I know what you're thinking: "Wait, 'The Black Cauldron' nearly closed down Disney Animation for good. Couldn't remaking it be another huge live-action failure?" 

Fair point. Thing is, "The Black Cauldron" is solid entertainment, and a good story. The film follows Joseph Campbell's "The Hero's Journey" to a "T" with its tale of a lowly pig herder whose dreams of gallant heroism come to fruition when he's called to adventure to stop an evil king from raising an army of the undead. So you can see how this might have been a little spooky for its intended audiences of tykes, but a live-action remake that targets young adults would hit the mark as a movie or show on Disney+.

20th Century Studios

Sci-fi at its best uses the genre tropes to tell a relatable story that tackles real-world problems without being too on the nose or preachy. "Enemy Mine" from 1985 is one such movie. Dennis Quaid plays a spaceship pilot who crash lands on a hostile planet where everything is trying to kill him. Meanwhile, Louis Gossett Jr. plays a reptilian alien from the Drac race, who is also stranded on the planet. Problem is, the humans and Dracs are at war, so the two enemies must work together in order to survive.

It's the basis of a thousand "Star Trek" episodes, but director Wolfgang Petersen (fresh off "The NeverEnding Story" the year before) makes it feel different thanks to Quaid and Gossett Jr.'s chemistry and the world building. Too bad it crashed at box office, opening at number nine with $1.5 million its holiday opening weekend and closing with $12 million. A remake was announced, so hopefully it won't be too long before we get a new "Enemy Mine."

Sony Pictures

Arnold Schwarzenegger's one-man-army schtick was big business until a little flop called "Batman & Robin" tarnished Arnie's bankable bona-fides ... and nearly killed the billion-dollar Batman franchise too. But sandwiched between two of Arnold's biggest hits, "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" and "True Lies" (which not coincidentally were directed by James Cameron), was his first major failure as a leading man: 1993's highly-underrated "Last Action Hero."

The 1993 movie had a massive $85 million budget (just shy of $200 million today) and was sold exclusively on "hey, it's another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie." Heck, the story was essentially Arnold playing a guy being played by Arnold. For the sake of Arnie's ego, it's worth noting "Last Action Hero" opened one week after the record-breaking "Jurassic Park" (which cost $20 million less) swallowed everything in its wake. "Last Action Hero" was also probably too meta for moviegoers in 1993. Meanwhile audiences today are awash with meta-storytelling (heck, we're probably too inundated by it). So a self-aware story about a movie fan transported into the world of his favorite character could be just the ticket.

Paramount Pictures

Before Matthew McConaughey's "McConaissance" he was primarily known as the romantic leading man with a thick Texas accent no matter where his character was from, and who leaned in movie posters. But before McConaughey started leaning into character-based dramatic roles, he tried his hand as an action star. Alas, it didn't work out too well. Granted, he picked the right part; Dirk Pitt, the globe-trotting, adventure-seeker from Clive Cussler's multi-novel series. But the few moviegoers who went to see "Sahara" didn't find packed theaters but a barren desert. The 2005 adaptation earned $121 million worldwide, failing to match (let alone eclipse) its bloated $145 million budget.

What happened? For starters, it takes less to make a best-selling book series than a blockbuster movie, so "Sahara" needed to entice new fans. It didn't. Meanwhile, existing Dirk Pitt fans felt McConaughey was miscast. Uninterested new viewers + unhappy old fans = flop. But based on the $400 million success of "Uncharted," there's clearly still an audience for old-school adventure fare, though "Reacher" proves the best place for paperback, page-turner adaptations may be streaming.

Universal Pictures

We look back on the '90s with rose-colored glasses, but forget this was the generation that didn't go see Sean Connery voicing a talking dragon. James Bond as a dragon, come on people! Released in 1996, "Dragonheart" stars Dennis Quaid as Bowen, a former medieval knight (whose semi-British accent has a touch of Texas) who works as a dragonslayer. Bowen's too good at his job, as there's only one dragon left, Draco (Connery). The two team up to con villagers by pretending to slay Draco, but later must stop Bowen's former student, now a vicious tyrant (David Thewlis), who shares Draco's heart.

With only $104 million, "Dragonheart" failed to catch fire, though it was followed by four straight-to-video sequels. Thanks to George R.R. Martin's "Game of Thrones" viewers are more into dragons than they were back in the day — "Dragonslayer" (1981) and "Reign of Fire" (2022) also went up in flames — so a "Dragonheart" remake isn't the worst idea. Heck, maybe Martin could write it, since it doesn't look like he's finishing his books anytime soon. Burn!

Walt Disney Pictures

Disney animation was in a weird in-between state following "Tarzan," still clinging to the traditional 2D animation audiences were rejecting in favor of the 3D, CGI animation pioneered by Pixar. Meanwhile, the Mouse House believed they still had the Midas Touch based on the multi-billion dollar success of the Disney Renaissance movies. Never mind those movies were mostly musicals based on well-established fairy tales ("Beauty & The Beast") or Shakespeare/talking animals ("The Lion King"). Forgetting that fact, Disney took gambles on riskier, more out-there fare like "The Emperor's New Groove," "Treasure Planet," and "Atlantis: The Lost Empire." 

While each film failed to connect anywhere near Disney's hits from the '90s, "Atlantis" has the most potential for a remake. The 2001 film is about a young cartographer (Michael J. Fox) who is hired by an eccentric billionaire to join a crew bound for the mythical lost city of Atlantis. The story lends itself well to a live-action, "Avatar"-style remake that emphasizes the breathtaking visuals of an alien world. While the $5.2 billion earned by the "Avatar" films is certainly out of reach, a proper "Atlantis" remake could discover its audience.

Getty Images/Getty Images

Johnny Depp was pretty much box office poison until the "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies, so a lot of his pre-"Pirates" films flat-out flopped. "The Astronaut's Wife"  was one of them. Charlize Theron plays the titular wife who notices her space-faring husband (Depp) is acting strangely after returning to Earth following a brush with death. She brushes it aside when she discovers she's pregnant, but as she gets closer to delivering her baby, she discovers her husband is no longer who he once was.

"The Astronaut's Wife" is essentially "Rosemary's Baby" but with an evil alien instead of Satan. The horror flick failed to launch with only $10 million on a $30+ million budget, with critics complaining it was too slow despite its 109-minute runtime. It also had the misfortune of opening in the wake of "The Sixth Sense," which soaked up all the scary in 1999. Still, as "The Invisible Man" proved, there's still a big audience for these sorts of stories, so a better-timed "The Astronaut's Wife" could find liftoff.

Touchstone Pictures

Toni Morrison's 1987 "Beloved" is one of the newer entries into the canon of "Great American Novel." Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey is arguably the most famous TV talk show host in history, and was never more popular than in the 1990s. You'd think those two elements would combine into a box office powerhouse, but that was not the case in 1998. Directed by Jonathan Demme of "Silence of the Lambs" and "Philadelphia" fame, "Beloved" is about a former slave turned mother of three (Winfrey) whose home is haunted by a spirit. While a friend (Danny Glover) tries to run off the ghost, a mysterious woman named Beloved (Thandie Newton) arrives to turn things amiss. 

Perhaps Winfrey's fans were more interested in her talking about her favorite books than starring in cinematic adaptations of them, as "Beloved" banked a bleak $22 million on a $55 million budget. It's said a masterpiece has already found its medium, so maybe adapting a book as, well, beloved as "Beloved" is a fool's errand. Still, I think modern moviegoers might be spirited away with a remake of this haunting tale.