Hi Chris,

I’d love to get married, but so many marriages seem unhappy. How does anyone find a spouse who’ll be a lifelong friend?

Choosing

Hi Choosing,

Choosing a spouse is difficult! If you’re single, it’s difficult to imagine what marriage will really be like. Our biology also causes many problems. You need to form a deep, lifelong connection, but your body is built for speed. This can lead to you getting swept along by a rollercoaster of romantic feelings and ending up engaged to the wrong person.

Your family and community put pressure on you, and you worry about missing out. So you end up settling for a not-so-great relationship.

Or maybe you’re dating a man whose personality is a bit off. He’s charming at first, but later turns into a nightmare. Or maybe he really likes his single life. Maybe he just wants you for company when he’s lonely rather than for a genuine relationship. Or someone so self-absorbed that he just wants an admirer. Or maybe he just wants a housekeeper, a roof over his head or a convenient lover. It’s a wonder there are any successful marriages!

So, how can you avoid all that?

Start by getting to know yourself really well. Think about how you behave and what makes you happy or sad. Recognise your faults and work on them.

Regard all your previous relationships as training so that you can learn what you need in a partner. Learn how to make them happy, too. Learn to spot the people who would only make you miserable.

Figure out your life goals, and develop the self-confidence to stand up to your family and friends when they try to push you in the wrong direction.

Meet lots of people! The more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone who’s right for you. Use purposeful small talk to screen them, and don’t go on a first date with anyone who doesn’t tick every box.

Before long, you’ll have found a wonderful spouse! 

All the best,

Chris