In case you live under a rock, probably where you’re busy tending to the jarred brains of the administration’s cabinet — Trump has issued a new travel ban. Yup, Trump waved his magical dictatorial wand again, and AI spat out a list of 19 countries who are now on his despotic shit list.

He’s barring 12 countries’ citizens from travelling to the Disunited States of America. They include: Afghanistan, Myanmar, Chad, the Republic of the Congo, Equatorial Guinea, Eritrea, Haiti, Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, and Yemen.

He also partially banned people from Burundi, Cuba, Laos, Sierra Leone, Togo, Turkmenistan, and Venezuela.

*Venezuela received notice that it will be removed from the list if it sends him fully-gold toilets, one for each throne of the 35 bathrooms in the White House.

**Cuba will also be removed from the list if it lets Trump turn the entire country into a golf course, Mar-a-Coup-a.

Like the stealthy satirical sleuth that I am, I got my grubby lil paws on a list of countries that he will be adding to the Big Beautiful Ban Bucketlist tomorrow:

This uber-woke country is a threat to the security of the Disconcerted States of America. Their clearly biased and diversity-led hiring decisions will not be tolerated. However, Trump will remove them from the list, if they replace all their black pilots with old white guys from Alabama.

*When reached for comment, King M’Baku said ‘No. But we’ll show him what a stealth plane is’.

Mo’at, the leader of the Omatikaya people, has refused to allow American companies unfettered access to their land and has even — gulp — kicked out the Americans. Ergo, they are permanently banned. Although the ‘fake news’ press at CNN believes the ban to be related to their refusal to send shipments of unobtanium to Mar-a-Lago after Trump tariffed it 12,000%.

Trump is upset that he was never courted by a mysterious prince from Genovia. To add insult to injury, Genovian princes and princesses are giving American peasants too much false hope that they can be royalty. With this travel ban, Trump wants to make it clear that he is the only royalty allowed in the Discomposed States of America.

Gilead is no longer considered a country and has been removed from Google Maps because Trump is creating his own Handmaid’s Tale and he wants everyone to think it was his idea. He’ll also be burning all the copies of the book. He doesn’t want the competition or any country stealing his dystopian glory.

Prince Akeem in Coming to America didn’t go through the proper immigration channels, which now include bending over to kiss Trump’s dictatorial ring. Trump can’t have those Zamundian border jumpers just ‘coming to America’ anymore.

Trump also doesn’t want the Hunger Games type competition when he’s running his own gameshow where the rich oligarchs watch the poor battle it out in a duel to the death over scraps of tariffed resources.

With King Aladdin on the throne, the kingdom of Agrabah has become a known competitor to Trump’s new bestie Saudi Arabia. Therefore, Agrabahnians are banned, however, their ban can be lifted if they gift him a fully decked-out 747 complete with an air plank to walk CNN and NBC reporters off of.

Trump cannot have ties to a country that has unsecured borders that allow anyone who wanders out of a closet to enter.

Wonder Woman’s homeland will also be banned, since Wonder Woman refused to be grabbed by the pussy by the Gropenfuhrer himself. Adding further insult to injury, Themyscira refuses to export Amazonium, and Trump is mad he can’t make his own magical pretty bracelets.

Trump has had it out for King Triton ever since he refused to allow Trump to build Mar-a-Underlando, an underwater golf course. Despite multiple communications from Triton about how physics works, and that you can’t play golf underwater, Trump remains adamant.

Trump also doesn’t like Ariel, so he’s now banning gingers.

Ok, this one isn’t a country, but Trump doesn’t care about rules (or understand geography). Doctor Who is now banned from travelling to America because he refuses to gift Trump exotic metals from around the galaxy.

These include Bazoolium, a gold-based weather divinator that Trump wants for his golf courses and to give to Marjorie Taylor Green; Halkonite steel, a space steel that is lightweight and entirely indestructible (it also now has a 27,000% tariff); and Dalekanium, a bulletproof and bombproof super metal that attracts gamma radiation. Trump is officially butthurt that he can’t make supersoldiers for ICE out of Dalekanium.

*Daleks will retain their travel access to America, provided they sign up for Trump’s Gestapo.

The Wizard is too powerful, and Trump’s afraid of him giving brains to his base of voters. Also, the little people of Munchkinland are too DEI-friendly and must be stopped in their tiny tracks.

You might be wondering why a real country made this otherwise fictional list of countries. That’s because Trump doesn’t think Canada is a real country with its Monopoly money and imaginary borders. Although the joke is on Trump, we have already banned ourselves from visiting the Discombulated States of America.

*Of course, Trump will forgo the ban if Canada becomes the 51st state. I reached out to Canada’s Prime Minister, Big Daddy Carney, for comment. But he snarfled and said he wouldn’t dignify it with an answer.

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