The Old Guard 2, the sequel to the COVID-era Netflix streaming hit, continues to waste our time in more ways than one. The action is dull — especially when it involves the actors — and only rises to “acceptable” when the stunt team takes over.

The script, particularly the dialogue, is yawn-inducing, making me grateful I’m not immortal. I can’t imagine watching this intellectual property get recycled for centuries. Then again, maybe it can be — since the writers have conveniently discovered a new storytelling device to write themselves out of any corner.

As Conan O’Brien jokes on his podcast, most superhero movies open a portal whenever they need one. In The Old Guard 2, immortality is traded like playing cards. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don’t. It’s not a power—it’s a vibe.

Like a game of hot potato, no one holds onto it for long, and no one bothers to explain why or how it’s happening.

The last time we saw the group of regenerative superheroes, CIA agent Copley (Doctor Strange‘s Chiwetel Ejiofor) had begun the task of helping cover the tracks of Andy, Nicky (Luca Marinelli), Joe (Black Adam‘s Marwan Kenzari), and Nile (If Beale Street Could Talk’s Kiki Layne) during their future missions, placing them in positions to serve the human race best.

Meanwhile, the disgraced guard Booker (The Mustang’s Matthias Schoenaerts) was approached in Paris by Quynh (The Creator’s Ngô Thanh Vân), who was ready to seek revenge. That’s bad news for Andy (Charlize Theron), who has lost her immortality. She finally understands why Murtaugh kept telling anyone who would listen, “I’m too old for this sh*t.”

Andy must now come out of hiding because an original immortal, Discord (Pulp Fiction‘s Uma Thurman), has resurfaced with a centuries-old grudge against her for choosing to defend humanity. Helping her is Tuah (Snake Eyes‘s Henry Golding), an old and immortal friend who gives her a history lesson about what Discord has planned for humanity.

Director Gina Prince-Blythewood (Love & Basketball) stepped aside, even though she discussed the sequel after the initial release. Taking over is Victoria Mahoney, who has a handful of television episode credits but has only helmed one film, 2011’s Yelling at the Sky (and is an uncredited writer on Shadow Force).

Mahoney was the wrong choice to handle this film, showing how green she is with a big-action franchise. While the first was hardly perfect, the sequel manages to double down on just how cheap and inauthentic the film’s story and plot are. Immortality is just a beard on the same old story, which has been recycled repeatedly.

As always, Theron is solid in the role — an underrated action star in her own right. Thurman holds her own, but any other character who gets a solo scene ends up repeating the same dialogue about their immortality. Each character has a rich history, yet Rucka’s script never bothers exploring those worthy storylines, leaving the film feeling hollow and ultimately pointless.

That is why The Old Guard 2 is not worth watching. The themes and moral dilemmas remain excessively contrived and manipulative while not elevating the material. The COVID-era Netflix streaming franchise continues to waste our time in more ways than one. Even with the addition of Thurman and Golding, this Charlize Theron vehicle remains lazy and dull.

Greg Rucka’s script again uses immortality as a convenient plot device to write the characters out of any corner, eliminating any suspense it might otherwise generate.