Grab your iced matcha and get comfy, because the drama between Porsha Williams and her ex-husband Simon Guobadia is the kind of real-life soap opera Real Housewives of Atlanta dreams are made of. And honey, this latest update? It’s giving billionaire blues, deportation diaries, and a side of “Wait… did she actually try to get him back?”

Let’s break it down.

Simon Guobadia, 61, is not holding back in his new tell-all with Page Six. He says he absolutely regrets marrying Porsha, 44, and believes he was “targeted for financial reasons” from day one. Oop. According to Simon, their whirlwind engagement (we’re talking 30 days, max—quicker than some of us return an Amazon order) spiraled into a $5 million “rehab project.” Yes, that’s a direct quote.

Now here’s where it gets extra juicy. In the interview, Simon basically claims the whole marriage was a setup. He says he kept asking Porsha, “Why did you file for divorce?”—but never got an answer. Not from her, not from her family. Radio silence. According to Simon, this felt like a coup. His words, not ours. Cue the dramatic music.

But wait for it. Because the real plot twist? Simon claims that after all of it—after the ICE detention, the deportation to Nigeria, and the divorce being finalized—. Yes, girl. You read that right.

Of course, Simon is the source here, so sprinkle some salt (maybe the whole shaker). Still, it’s the kind of messy allegation that makes you want to pause your skincare routine just to re-read the paragraph. If you’re wondering whyPorsha would allegedly slide back into the picture, well—Simon suggests it’s about money. He claims she swooped in when he was “vulnerable,” fresh out of his previous marriage with Falynn Guobadia, and now thinks she had dollar signs in her eyes from day one.

Meanwhile, Porsha has kept things classy (for now), telling People that the divorce stemmed from “complex” immigration issues and that things took a sharp turn after a tense Valentine’s Day confrontation. She filed just a week later—and walked away with the prenup fully intact, by the way. Win.

Simon, on the other hand, is now thousands of miles away, reportedly recovering from a four-month “nightmare” ICE detention, and reflecting on what he calls the biggest mistake of his life. “I was out of my goddamn mind,” he said of the 30-day engagement. Big yikes.

So where do we go from here? For Porsha, maybe a clean slate (and another season of RHOA, fingers crossed). For Simon, maybe a memoir? A Netflix docuseries? A rebrand? Either way, sis, the tea is boiling, and we’ll be right here with popcorn, ready for Act III.

Stay tuned, because if there’s one thing we’ve learned: love, fame, and $5 million divorces? They never go out of style.

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