Motivate Your Child to Study by Mastering the 3 A's

Published 2 weeks ago• 6 minute read

SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting

February 2025

Not motivated girl studying

So many mums often ask me, “Junia, how do I motivate my child to study?” It’s a loaded question, since every parent has different expectations and every child has unique qualities. However, I’ve boiled it down to this. Master the three A’s — Autonomy, Achievements, and Affiliation.

Autonomy acknowledges the intrinsic desires within each of us for activities that bring us pleasure.

Ask yourself: what hobbies does your child have? What off-screen activity can they spend time on for hours when left to themselves?

For parents who say that screen time is their child’s favourite pastime, think back to before they began formal education. Before they discovered the instant gratification of this digital age, what make-believe games did they enjoy? What genre of storybooks were they drawn to, and why?

The main reason most children don’t enjoy studying today is because they have lost touch with their inner motivations. Parents may over-pack their schedules so our young ones are surviving their daily routines, with no scheduled time for hobbies, rest, or play.

Especially in today’s digital world which overwhelms us with ‘things’ to do, decompression time becomes a necessity. Think daily non-screen periods — quiet spaces to actually listen to and commune with our inner selves.

What hobbies do you or your child have? These are much needed sacred spaces that regulate our nervous system and increase experiential happiness and quality of life. Start giving them the autonomy to enjoy daily pockets of decompression time and watch their intrinsic motivations return.

Psychologist Albert Bandura coined the theory of self-efficacy as one’s belief in their ability to succeed in a particular situation.

motivate your child to learn spelling — *Image: Mateus Andre on Freepik*

Intentionally setting my children up for success is how I create anchor milestones. So they can expand their reservoir of experiences that tell them “I can” because “I have”.

When my daughter increased her science marks from 70-plus to 90-plus in just two weeks, that became evidence of how her effort resulted directly in her test scores. That led to her transforming F for Chinese to A during her PSLE within six months.

Take note: a common mistake parents make is setting such high standards that the child does not even want to attempt it because they know it’s not achievable.

For example, setting my son up to get two out of 10 spelling words correct was our starting point. That was after six months of getting zero for his spelling because we were focusing on his handwriting then.

Never underestimate the momentum small wins bring and steadily increase the level of difficulty. Our children are intelligent and need to experience big wins (as well) as key memories where they succeed ‘against the odds’ to increase their self-efficacy.

So, if your child is currently unmotivated about a particular subject, change the relationship with the subject from “I can’t” to “hey, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought” through orchestrating small achievements.

What we focus on here is not that ideal 90 marks (yet), but in replacing their negative experiences with positive ones. Even if that means they sit down for five minutes to read the same word. Make it fun! Celebrate their effort. And then build from there.

Parents of tweens or teenagers struggle with this the most. They realise their child no longer wants to spend time with them because friends become their priority.

Take heart! Individuation is a healthy process where our adolescent pushes against the old boundaries in search of their distinct, separate identity. Them discovering their sense of self could look like them challenging us more, refusing to do what we ask them to, or withholding information from us.

Many parents panic because they are not used to this ‘rebellious’ teen. What happened to my obedient, well-mannered child who used to share everything with me?

This is the stage where the relational foundations you have laid are tested. It seems they trust their friends more than you, and prefer their privacy rather than wanting to hang out with you.

The answer is to relinquish control. It’s time for a new model of communicating, where you no longer parent ‘over them’ but ‘with them’. Listen to their points of view. Ask for their opinions. And stop telling them what to do, your opinions, or your preferences, because this is when you become the naggy parent they detest.

External social connections and their peers’ opinions become more important because they have spent a decade with you. They already know your triggers, your values, and your dreams for them. Now, they are gathering more external information to experiment with who they are.

Parents who appreciate Kahlil Gibran’s poem (excerpt below) will have the best relationship with their teens.

Your children are not your children.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
– Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

Now that you know the 3 A’s, do your best to apply them in age-appropriate ways.

how to motivate your child to study — *Image: Lifestylememory on Freepik*

Motivation, if developed with these three A’s, will be largely intrinsic and more sustainable than traditional carrot and stick incentives. And a whole lot more meaningful for everybody.