I realize I may have just said what sounded like the worst pitch for a game ever. Now, between the game and its heavy themes, I can see why no one played it.

Visually, the game is on a level all by itself. Wow, my wordplay knows no limits.

Also, it is super weird and somewhat gay. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but a truthful way. Your main character loses pieces of armor (to near naked) as he fights other (all male) angels, who have flowing locks and all look like a mix between Fabio and Chris Hemsworth. If Xbox Live is any indication of the demographic that buys games, than this game  never had a chance.  But for those who missed it, you missed a game with an ever-changing visual style, an INSANE (but compelling) story, an extremely odd and creative narrative, and a level with a TRON bike.

You really have NO idea what you are in for, level to level, with this game.

Seriously. So homophobes and hate-filled kids are really missing out. This game is mind melting good time. It also has some of the deepest and most layered one-button combat I have ever played.

I mentioned the naked angels already, right?

I know some people just don’t have the necessary attitude to love a Suda51 game. But I tend to feel bad for those people. Juts like exploitation cinema from the seventies (I spit on your corpse and pee on your grave, and then sh*t on your dinner table: A revenge film!) there is an undeniable cheesy awesomeness to this man’s games. Shadows of the Damned had so many great references and juvenile jokes, and it played like the heir to Resident Evil 4. So what is there NOT to love?

Worth purchasing for all the dick jokes and the awesome Evil Dead homage, alone. Yes, there is an Evil Dead themed level (which, I could be so bold to say it s Cabin in the Woods level) and for fans of the original Sam Raimi flick, it is a true joy to play through. Well, joy and panic.

Hail to the thief, baby. I just made a Radiohead AND an Evil Dead reference.

There is a cool light/darkness  mechanic to this game that makes it an absolute blast to play. You can’t actually hurt the creatures when it is light, you have to find this weird goat-head lamp and shoot it in the face to make it dark, THEN you can kill the creatures. The actual act of finding the goat head is not easy, though, and in later levels it adds a cool puzzle element to the fighting.

Plus, dick jokes. Dick jokes and naked angels. Wow, I am keeping it classy today.

I will now show you my descent into nerdom, with a pivotal moment in my life.

It is 1989. I am a very young nerd, already wrapped up in gaming to avoid the pratfalls of daily life. I figure out, on my own, that there is a trick to beating the Hydra boss in Battle of Olympus for the NES. The trick boiled down to terrible programming on the designers part, but it didn’t matter. I wrote to EGM. I told them you stand at the edge of the water and slash repeatedly, and the hydra will come up into your blade everytime.

Thing is, they published me. I was just a kid and they published my tip. That, my friends, is called foreshadowing.

To a nerd kid, that is about as awesome and seeing a Unicorn. Or a boob. Or a Unicorn with one boob for a horn.

The game may have seemed like a crappy Zelda knockoff to some, but to me, it was so much more. I felt like it was a mashup of Castlevania and Zelda, and I loved every second of it. Plus, who was fighting the hydra WAY before Kratos? Yup, that’s right:

Look at all the God of War bosses in this Nintendo game. Also, features PASSWORDS!

Perhaps, it is looking back and seeing it in that light (my name is a video game magazine!?!) that casts the game an advantageous edge, but I believe it to be a multitude of things. Ultimately, it was a a much easier version of Zelda 2. To me, it was like playing a version of Zelda 2 that did not reduce me to tears from its sickening difficulty. Yet, no one played it.

Why? Also, anyone who feels compelled to tell me that God of War didn’t rip this game off, and BOTH are based off Greek mythology, go crawl into a corner and die, quietly.

Thanks.

This game had almost too many water cooler moments to talk about.

Why did no one else play this awesome Ninja Theory game  that came out in 2010? Why do I keep asking that question, as if you guys can all answer me at once? Is it because it was SUCH an Andy Serkis vehicle that it became too much? Is it because the subtext of the game, based off the ancient Chinese story (Journey to the West, by Wu Cheng’en)  was too lofty for some? Or is it because it wasn’t spoon fed to us as gamers, so we missed it? Either way, there is no excuse.

In Enslaved, you play as Monkey (who was mo-capped and voice-over’ed by Andy Serkis, for those who missed my hint earlier) and for me to tell you about the evolution of his relationship with partner in crime, Tripp, would ruin the game. Because that is where a good deal of the joy of  playing Enslaved comes from. Just to show you guys what you’re missing though, I will show you the trailer.

It is heady to say this, but Enslaved has one of the best first levels of any game I’ve ever played.

Pretty sure you can snatch this game up for a couple of bucks now, so the fact that you are still reading this and not buying this game yet makes me question you. I also feel the need to tell you guys that this game has, what I think to be, one the best endings of the current gaming generation. Some people hated it, but some people hate everything.

Wait, there was a “Red Dead” game before the Red Dead game we all know and love?

Yup.

Rockstar knew this game (and franchise) were gold, so they bought up the IP from  Capcom and gave the series the love and attention it deserved.  The end result, Red Dead Redemption, is quite easily one of the greatest games ever made. But before we put on the stirrups as John Marsten, we put on the stirrups as Red, seeking revenge for the death of our family. It was a level-to-level action game, all linear for the most part, but the shooting mechanic was spot on, and the Western theme hadn’t been done that perfectly in games before.

The original ended up being the template that Rockstar followed, but fully expanded upon.

Everything that made Redemption work so well (except for the open world) is in Revolver. The kooky characters, the bullet-time, the stellar set-pieces, and the real feeling that you were a cowboy. Shooting up bad guys on horseback was not something I had done up to that point, and that experience always stuck with me. Now I know I said it before about a few others on this list, too, but this game ALSO has one of my favorite boss fights ever.

His name was Pig Josh, and his boss fight was badassery to the max.

Careful if you play this game now, though. Red Dead Redemption perfected everything in this game and the original didn’t age so well as a result, but still a trip to some younger gamers who don’t seem to know Redemption was an (unconnected) sequel.

Karnov for Nintendo. Play as a fat Russian guy who blows fire and hides ladders inside Pokeballs. No idea why I loved this game, but I did. And you didn’t.

Darkwatch for PS2. A FPS where you play as a vampire-zombie-cowboy in a gothic version of the old west. I know, it IS a cool concept. Fun game, too.

Notice those SMOOTH polygon textures of gaming days gone by.  *Sarcasm font.

Stranglehold for Xbox 360: Wait, I can play as Chow Yun-Fat in a John Woo movie with fully destructible environments? Derivative and simple, but awesome, just like the films that inspired it. Yes, there are doves and slow-dives, too.

Painkiller for Xbox: The boss fights in this game made the whole experience worth it. Proof? Ok:

That’s a tail, you perverts.

The Club for Xbox 360: People didn’t like this game, because people didn’t “get” this game. It was a point-based shooter that was played more like a racing game. Once you got into the rhythm of the game, though, you would get obsessed with beating your times. Tiny, frenetic levels and incredibly cool mechanic made me love this game. Me and three other people.

Lost Odyssey for Xbox 360. Poor RPG fans thought they were getting no love on this list up to now, I bet. This may be the best current generation RPG I have played. Eternal Sonata was awesome, too, but a little bit too cute at times (though the theme of death and classical music clearly wasn’t.)

Kid Niki for Nintendo. I love this game. Haters gonna hate, but I love it. Kid ninja fighting bosses with fat cheeks? Yup. I still play this game when I want a flash of nostalgia, minus the controller flinging difficulty of most old-school NES games.

That AWESOME moment when you realize Kid Niki was rocking a mullet. 

And lastly, this game right here. I think this game is underrated.