While cleaning out my grandparents’ home last year, my mom and her siblings rediscovered my grandmother’s treasure trove of cookbooks, including Betty Crocker’s Guide to Easy Entertaining, a 1959 volume designed to school you in “how to have guests—and enjoy them.” It’s practical (including a list of “emergency shelf” items you should have in the pantry to help stretch a meal for unexpected visitors); at times a little snarky (re: a “crashing bore” of a guest: “Treat him as if he were fascinating—and maybe you’ll find that he has something.”); and expectedly, a bit dated. This idea of enjoying your guests made me laugh: Was it a dig at dull conversationalists and incessant one-uppers? But then I realized that while I love having guests, I’m terrible at enjoying them, given that I spend half the night running around topping drinks and sneaking things in the dishwasher, rather than savoring the company of friends, who are decidedly not “crashing bores.” In the spirit of changing my ways, I turned to five Southern hosts I respect and admire, including my mother. Here are their tips and tricks for hosting guests—and actually enjoying them.

“Don’t be a party martyr,” says Josh Miller, senior food editor here at Southern Living. (He wrote a whole summer menu based on this principle in a recent issue.) You should read it if you haven’t. It’s really helpful, and the recipes are deliciously easy.) Miller is a recovering frantic host, which he ascribes to his old habit of using entertaining as an excuse to try new things. Now, he’s big on serving tried-and-true dishes. “When you start taking the guesswork out, you can go on autopilot in the kitchen, which is key to being engaged with your guests.” He’s also in favor of those recipes that can be largely made ahead or popped in the oven just before guests arrive. “When people see you hustling or stress, they feel guilty,” he notes. “I want folks to absorb good, calm vibes from me, as opposed to frantic ones.”

“In order for your guests to be relaxed, you have to be (or at least appear to be) relaxed,” says Rebecca Gardner, the creative mind behind Houses and Parties, an event planning and interior design collective based in Savannah, Georgia, and New York. “Do not try to do everything yourself. Delegate. Make lists. Hire helpers. Then, when the time comes, have a glass of wine and let go!”

“Try to customize the experience to your guests before they arrive,” says Courtney Zentner, one half of the husband-wife duo behind The Drifter, a culinary and event design company in Charleston, South Carolina. “If you know someone has a favorite drink, have the ingredients or batch pre-done so it’s simple for you and a thoughtful gesture for your guest. Always make sure to know any allergies ahead of time to ensure you aren’t pivoting quickly.” And rather than keeping visitors out of the kitchen, she says to welcome them in. “Try to host cocktail hour in or near the kitchen so you can be serving and keeping an eye on the food while you’re with your guests.”

“Purchasing something great can cut back the work you have to complete,” says Michael Zentner, the other half and culinary mind behind The Drifter, who advises writing the party’s menu first and working backwards from there. “Getting barbecue or banana pudding from your favorite place and flowers from a florist can help with the amount you need to complete. Sometimes we get Babas [a Charleston-based café and catering company] to make something for our parties, or we’ll grab some brisket from Lewis Barbecue [another local restaurant]. You should not feel that it is cheating; it’s really sharing something you really like.”

“If I waited until I set the table properly and had everything just right, I would never have anybody over,” says Kari Cribb, my mom and patron saint of medical students craving a home-cooked meal. “I love to sit with people and chat, so I keep the food very simple and try to make it a little bit ahead of time and don’t get worried about fluffing up the table too much. A lot of my best meals are the ones where I grab everyday dinner plates and make it more about the people than the table. I think it’s about sharing what you have with others, whatever that is. Who knows what food you’ll sit down to at our house, but you’ll have good company and a warm hug at the end of the night."