On the surface, having a kind, well-mannered child might seem like every parent’s dream. They share their toys, say “please” and “thank you,” and rarely argue. But beneath that polite behavior, there could be a deeper issue quietly taking root: people-pleasing. If your child is constantly putting others' needs before their own, avoids conflict at all costs, or is anxious about disappointing others, they may be doing more than just being “nice”—they may be learning to silence themselves to earn approval.

We spoke with two child psychologists to identify the subtle signs of people-pleasing in kids, why it develops, and how you can help your child build healthy boundaries while still nurturing their natural empathy.

When kids constantly put everyone else’s feelings ahead of their own, they can start to lose touch with what they need or want. Over time, they might feel like they only matter when they’re being helpful or making others happy. 

“That can really mess with their confidence,” Nina Westbrook, LMFT Licensed family therapist, and founder says. “It also makes it harder for them to say 'no' or stand up for themselves as they get older. If this pattern continues, it can lead to things like anxiety, burnout, or struggles with relationships down the road.”

According to Westbrook, these children may be susceptible to manipulation because they have become accustomed to doing things to please others rather than learning to exercise judgment, express their needs, and stand up for themselves.

Politeness and kindness are attributes that parents want to reinforce and encourage in their children. People pleasing, on the other hand, may be less adaptive and ultimately not in the child’s best interest. 

So, what exactly does people pleasing look like in a child?

People pleasing is often rooted in a child’s insecurity and fear of losing external sources of validation, explains Dr. Laino.

“They may feel a need to please others to receive the validation that affirms their self-esteem,” he says. “Such children may constantly be seeking reassurance or approval and asking questions like, “Am I doing this right?” “Is this okay?” or asking their parents, “Are you upset with me?”

Another key characteristic of children who tend to be people pleasers is they struggle to say “no” and set limits, even if it means doing something they don’t want to do. They often sacrifice their own needs for the needs of others who they rely on for validation. 

Moreover, kids who engage in “people pleasing” behavior apologize a lot—even when it’s not necessary. These children also struggle to stand up for themselves, assert themselves, and often assume the role of “follower” in group activities, explains Dr. Laino.

According to Dr. Laino, behavioral red flags include:

The distinction here is that these children are not just trying to be kind or polite, they're sacrificing their own needs for the sake of pleasing someone else, whether that's a peer, or an authority figure such as a teacher, or a parent.

While there's no one single root cause for people pleasing behaviors, experts say environment and upbringing play a huge role.

When children are in environments that emphasize "being perfect"—whether that's a varsity sports team or an honors class—they may struggle to live up to those expectations and begin setting unrealistic standards for themselves in an attempt to please others.

Moreover, if their environment is unpredictable, frightening, or volatile, some children learn that any disagreement could lead to danger and try to bury their feelings to avoid conflict and maintain a sense of peace. This is especially true for parentified children, children who grow up in homes where parents expect them to be their emotional caretakers, those children are often socialized to take others’ needs into account before acknowledging their own.

Confidence and lived experience can also impact a child's tendency to people-please. Kids with lower self-confidence may feel as though they're constantly facing rejection from others and that the only way to avoid facing future rejection is to do everything they can to make others happy.

“People pleasing can start when kids feel they need to be 'good' to be loved,” Westbrook says. “They might think staying quiet or helpful keeps everyone happy. For sensitive kids, being kind can feel like the only way to feel valued, and these behaviors can continue into adulthood if not managed."

People-pleasing behaviors can be passed down, too. While there's no people-pleasing gene, studies have shown that agreeableness is partially influenced by genes and trauma can create epigenetic changes to one's DNA. These children are constitutionally predisposed to being sensitive to the feelings of others and may try to please others at their own expense.

For kids who struggle with people pleasing behaviors, learning how to set boundaries can be challenging but transformative.

Here are some strategies Dr. Laino recommends:

It's always smart to seek a professional consultation if your child's people pleasing behaviors is at their own expense and it’s having a negative impact on their self-esteem or exacerbating anxious emotions. “A good [therapist] can help them build confidence, set boundaries, and learn that they don’t have to earn love by always saying yes,” says Westbrook.

Other signs to seek professional help include:

• If they're over apologizing even when they don’t need to
• If they have a constant fear of making a mistake
• If they take blame or responsibility for mistakes they didn't make

“It’s never a bad idea to seek professional support and too often we worry that we’re overreacting by consulting with a professional," Dr. Laino adds. "But we are taking a proactive step in helping our children and ourselves obtain the support and tools necessary to live more authentic, genuine, and fulfilling lives."