There was a time I wasn’t sure our marriage was going to make it. I was pastoring a small, struggling church, and I was bearing the weight of it. Every sermon felt like I had to hit a homerun. Every person who walked away felt like a personal failure. I wasn’t sleeping well. All I thought about was the church. My wife was done. She was tired of being dragged along on my attempt to prove something to myself and the world. We fought almost daily and saw almost nothing eye to eye. We were miserable, and I blamed her—until I stepped away from that role and did some inner work in order to save our marriage. That kind of work is one of many ways to improve your marriage.

While I did that work, before long, I realized the real issue wasn’t my wife (though there were opportunities for growth for her as well). The real issue was me. I was a mess and didn’t realize how that was impacting the people closest to me. Nearly four years later, and my marriage is in a much better place. It took some work, but most of that work was internal. In many difficult relationships, a significant portion of the work is done by looking in the mirror. If your most important one is struggling, here are 5 ways to improve your marriage by improving yourself.

There can be some real reservations about seeing a therapist. “I’m not that messed up” is a common refrain I hear from men. But seeing a therapist isn’t about being exceptionally broken. Rather, it’s about allowing someone with some wisdom and training to ask you questions that cause you to think deeply and strategically about ways you can grow through whatever you’re going through. Think of it as a trainer for your internal workout. It’s not that you can’t go to the gym and figure out a routine. But someone with some experience and training might be able to direct you in ways that are particularly effective.

Speaking of working out, you should. It doesn’t have to involve a gym membership. It might just mean taking walks, eating better, getting more sleep. You know this, but your physical health is directly tied to your mental and emotional well being. If you’re eating comfort foods, drinking soda or beer, and watching TV regularly, you’re not going to be your best. And if you’re not your best, you’re not going to be your bring your best self to your marriage. The National Alliance on Mental Illness says it simply: “Physical health IS mental health.”

While your marriage is certainly your most important relationship, it shouldn’t be your only one. Healthy friendships, in which your friends want the best for you and your marriage, can be a significant gift to you and your wife. They can provide outlets for interests that you and your wife may not share. They can also come alongside you and your wife and support you during challenging times. Studies have shown that strong social connections improve your emotional resilience, boost your immune function, and decrease your stress levels. One of the ways to improve your marriage is to improve your friendships.

We are really good at compartmentalizing our lives, but humans aren’t meant to be like those lunch boxes for kids where every part of the lunch has its own separate space. We are meant to be integrated creatures so that what we do physically, psychologically, relationally, and spiritually is all connected. The apostle Paul wrote that the evidence, or fruit, of the work of the Spirit within us is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” If you’re looking for ways to improve your marriage, incorporating those traits is a good place to start.

According to a recent meta-analysis, increased purpose results in lower overall stress in life. And we know stress is a significant cause of tension in marriage relationships. I believe this is tied to growing spiritually. As we become more integrated creatures, we begin to see how everything matters. The dull 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. job becomes an opportunity to do good work and build meaningful relationships with coworkers. Volunteer opportunities in the community, being generous toward people and organizations, loving our wives and kids well all become ways for us to find meaning and thereby reduce stress, increase joy, and better our marriages.