We are almost there, guys. We are waist-deep in the cesspool that is the season of There’s (possibly) just one more episode to go until our favorite breeders fade into oblivion and realize that they have officially milked the ‘Teen Mom’ cow dry and they’ll have to get actual real jobs.

Or, you know, until the network comes up with a snappy new title and show idea to keep these knuckleheads on our TV screens.  truly believes that, at the end of times, only two things will remain: cockroaches and these girls(eseseses) screamin’ about their assorted baby daddies/druggy parents/gersh-dern kids.

With that, let’s dive right into that aforementioned cesspool, shall we?

We start this episode in Indiana, where we realize  is actually still on this show. She’s been M.I.A. for weeks now, but apparently MTV is still contractually obligated to put her mug on an episode every once in a while. 

Jade calls up  to see what’s up, and Bri tells her that she’s getting surgery soon. No, she’s not hauling her inflated behind back to  so he can pump her full of buttjuice again (or whatever the hell they do to these women when they get Brazilian Butt Lifts). This time, Briana’s going under the knife to have her baby makin’ tubes removed. She’s decided that there will be no more spawn of losers plopping from her loins.

Jade asks Bri if she’s sure she won’t want any more Oopsie Babies someday and Bri’s like, “I’m good.”

“You won’t have to worry about gettin’ knocked up by some random person that you’re casually seeing!” Jade proclaims.

Tale as old as time….

Jade volunteers to come down to Florida to help Briana while she’s recovering after the surgery. 

We then follow Jade and  to the home improvement store, where we watch them heave bags of manure into their shopping cart. It’s honestly a metaphor for how bad this show sucks now. We are literally watching Jade pick up bags of crap. 

I’m embarrassed for all of us at this point. All 12 of us who are still watching this literal s**t show.

In between slinging cow dung bags, Jade informs Sean that she’ll be high-tailing it to Florida soon to help Briana nurse her carved-up lady parts back to health. Sean, who obviously needs to work on his timing, decides to bring up the idea of having another baby (while the whiffs of manure float across their noses.) 

“Are you scared to have another baby?” Sean asks Jade.

We then get a flashback clip to when Sean had his hillbilly bangs and Jade said that her experience having Kloooooie was so negative, due to Sean’s non-actions, and how just thinking about having another crotch goblin makes Jade want to board up her gentlemen greeter for good! She said times were really hard back when Cloooy was born and she doesn’t want to repeat that.

Jade starts talking non-stop about whether or not they want their schedules to change and whatnot, and if they’re truly ready to welcome another baby with an oddly spelled name into their lives.

Sean, however, makes it clear that he (and his sperm) are ready to rumble.

Next, we check in with at her new house in Las Vegas. While Ashley’s daughter, Holly, is outside playing, Ashley receives a call from the District Attorney’s office, during which, she finds out that her estranged– and currently locked up– husband, , has taken a plea deal. This means that Bar is probably going to be sprung from the clink soon. 

The next day, Ashley meets up with her friend at a restaurant where Nisha immediately compliments Ashley on her choice of sweat set. Alrighty.

Soon, they are given “welcome shots,” courtesy of a kind waiter with hair as long as Bar’s rap sheet. 

After placing an order of oysters and fries, Ashley tells Nisha that that she has some “interesting tea” to catch her up on, and proceeds to give her a recap of the call she received from the DA’s office. 

While Ashley was supposed to testify on the charges against Bar, she explains that she no longer has to because Bar took a plea deal. She also reveals to Nisha that Bar is getting time served, which means he’ll be getting of the slammer almost immediately. Nisha asks Ashley if she’s “ready” for Bar to be out on the loose and if she’s set boundaries so that he knows their relationship is truly over and that he needs to keep his mitts off of her— and her sweat set!

Ashley tells Nisha that her main priority right now is Holly and that she isn’t telling her daughter that her dad is out of jail until Bar has his living situation sorted out. Until then, Holly can continue video-chatting with her dad, as she’s done while he’s been locked up. Ashley says she knows that one day, Holly will have questions about her dad’s legal run-ins and whatnot, and she acknowledges that currently, Holly is “working with very little information” and “very big emotions.”

After admitting to Nisha that her life is so much different than she thought it would be, Ashley says she plans to set up a meeting with an organization in order to learn how she can help herself and Holly prepare for Bar’s release. 

Over in Florida, Briana has booked her tubal removal surgery and is one step closer to an Oopsie-Baby-less life! She explains to an uneasy  and  how the doctor will cut into her, fill her lady unit with gas…or robots…or something, and then pull out the tubes. 

Roxanne is still not sure that Bri should have her tubes removed. Roxy still believes that Briana could have a fairytale child-less man come along, sweep her off her feet and marry her, but then be disappointed to find out that she can’t birth his baby.

Nova isn’t even playing with the kids of getting any more siblings. 

“If he doesn’t already have kids, then that’s too bad for him!” she says. “Go cry about it!” 

“The man that’s out there for me is going to agree with what we want to do in this household,” Bri tells her mom.

Roxanne argues that she still feels Briana is too young to close up shop, but agrees to go with her for the surgery.

Next, we hee-haw it down to the holler to check with and her girlseseseses. She’s currently hyping Ali for her upcoming six-month check-up at the Muscular Dystrophy Association Clinic. Leah tells viewers that because Ali is just a few years away from being 18, she’s at a “transitioning point” in her MD journey and that it’s important for Ali to learn more about her disease. 

Leah tells Ali to write down some questions to ask at her upcoming appointment, but Ali immediately shuts her down and insists that she doesn’t have any questions for her doctor. Furthermore, Ali reminds Leah that she’s the one with MD and the only person who knows what a person with MD “really can do”– even if her doctors or parents may doubt her. 

After speaking with Ali, Leah tells viewers that she does the best she can to understand what Ali is going through, but recognizes that she ultimately doesn’t know what it’s like to be Ali. 

On the day of Ali’s appointment, Leah (again) suggests that Ali ask Dr. Tsao some questions about MD and Ali agrees, likely to prevent her mom from hopping on a chair in the waiting room and performing a five-minute monologue about how knowledge is power.

Good choice, kid.

Once they’re in the exam room, Dr. Tsao performs his usual checkup on Ali and determines that things are looking good; however, he reminds Ali to be careful and not overdo it. 

Leah then asks Dr. Tsao to explain to Ali why it’s important for her to continue using her will chair wheelchair in certain situations, even though her muscles are getting stronger. In response, Dr. Tsao stresses how important it is for Ali to stay healthy, which she can do by using her wheelchair. Dr. Tsao also talks about support groups available through the MDA where Ali can connect with people who have MD.   

Later on, Leah gives Ali the contact info of a 17-year-old girl named Lily who also has MD. Leah says that Ali can reach out to Lily if she– aka the producers– wants. While Ali reminds her mom for the hundredth time that she doesn’t have any MD-related questions, she agrees to give Lily a call. 

Within moments of FaceTiming Lily, Ali learns that her new friend is an MDA National Ambassador and that her “favorite thing to do ever” is connect with other people who have MD. Lily goes on to talk about her form of MD, during which she reveals that, like Ali, she’s a twin and like Aleeah, her twin brother doesn’t have MD. 

Ali and Lily go on to talk about how often they use their wheelchairs and both girls admit that they’ve argued with their parents over the topic occasionally. Ali tells Lily that sometimes she wishes her mom would allow her to have more independence. 

Later on, Ali tells viewers it was nice to talk to someone who could relate to what’s she going through, unlike her parents and siblings, who don’t always “get it.”  

Back in Indiana, Jade and Sean have returned from the manure store. (This is riveting content, guys.) Soon, Jade is ready to fly to Florida to play nursemaid to Briana, so Sean bids her goodbye. 

As Jade touches down in Florida, we get some generic B-roll footage showing off all the Sunshine State has to offer: amusement parks, palm trees and random gators. 

Briana is thrilled to see Jade, and later, she talks to Stella and Nova about her getting her procreation pipes ripped out. The girls seem indifferent, but Jade is excited to be there for Bri.

“I would do anything for you and your tubes!” Jade tells her. 

The next morning, the whole gang has to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to get Briana down to her surgery. It’s 4 a.m. and Jade staggers out of her room, most likely rethinking her decision to volunteer to be part of this caper. 

Jade and Briana check in and soon they call Briana back to the surgery center.

Soon, Briana is out of surgery and MTV is sure to get some shots of her in her hospital bed looking like a post-surgical corpse.

Later, Briana is released into Roxy’s care. Unfortunately (for us), Roxy didn’t employ ol’ Christy’s Post-Surgical Care Protocol, so no dirty air mattress has been inflated in the back of the van to throw Bri onto. Therefore, she has to put herself into a regular seat in the car, and she’s in a lot of pain.

Briana tells Roxy that she’s feeling great about her decision to have her tubes yanked out. Roxanne makes it clear that she supports Briana’s decision but she still does not agree with it. 

“I don’t need any more children to have a beautiful life,” Briana tells her mom.

Um…you may need to put yourself on another show, girl. Unexpected/unwanted pregnancies are kind of this show’s thing…

Briana and Roxy come back to Bri’s house, to find Brittany cheering, “F**k them kids! F**k them kids!” 

I think that’s nice…

Jade tells her she cleaned the whole house and bought Briana supplies to help her hacked-up hooter. Briana later tells Jade that she can’t wait to “start f**king and not have to worry about it.”

I think that’s nice…

Jade says she is actually on the opposite side of the baby spectrum from Briana. She tells her friend that Sean is ready to have another baby, but she’s still hesitating, due to the fact that he was a giant crapnugget the last time she heaved his child out of her fluffer. She mentions that, at the time K-l0-i was born, her parents were strung out on drugs, so she had no help. 

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Ashley calls her sister on the way to her appointment at the domestic violence organization. During the call, Ashley tells Chris that she has a hard time seeing herself as someone who’s been in a “DV relationship.” Ashley tells viewers about the “shame” that she and other victims of domestic violence often experience, claiming that, “if it doesn’t look beat down and battered,” people question if you really were a victim. To avoid those questions, Ashley says she never claimed to be a victim in the past. 

When Ashley arrives at her appointment, she sits down with a woman named , who asks Ashley a series of questions. After learning more about Ashley’s situation– including some of Bar’s previous arrests and the incidents that led to said arrests– Tara assures Ashley that you can be a victim of domestic violence without having any visible injuries and that these incidents often turn into other medical issues. Ashley goes on to ask about resources for Holly and Tara suggests options that will help Ashley as well.

Over in Indiana, Sean finds time in his busy(?) schedule to go play golf, despite the fact that he’s taking care of Clllloey solo while Jade is nursing Briana. Sean tells his friend that he wants another baby, but Jade is scared that he’ll stick her with all the baby responsibilities like he did when they had Kloughy. Sean admits he was a drugged-out loser who didn’t care back then, but insists he’s changed and wants to take the bulk share of the baby responsibilities the second time around.

Speaking of Jade, she’s wrapping up her time in Florida, and Briana thanks her for being a friend (travel down the road and back again…your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant….) 

Jade promises that she’ll come back in the summer and they can get their party on, once no one is recovering from having body parts yanked out of them.

Briana tells the cameras that having her tubes taken out means she and the girls won’t ever have to worry about being stuck in the house because she crapped out another baby. She wants to take her daughters to see the world.

“This is a whole new start for us,” Bri says.

Once she’s back in Indiana, the cameras catch Jade just “casually” (and totally not planned for the cameras…not at all) checking her menstruation app on her phone. She immediately calls Briana to let her know that, according to her app, she’s two weeks late for her period. 

Jade’s in a tizzy at the thought that she could be pregnant.

We see Jade go buy a pregnancy test, and she and Sean see the results. However, we won’t get to see the results until the next episode.

What.a.Cliffhanger. 

That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter,’ click here!

(Photos: MTV)