Welcome back to the film world of Karate Kid, the land where all bullies are vanquished and girls are wooed simply by competing in a city-wide martial arts tournament. A tournament that can only be won by a double top-secret move taught by a karate legend. But before we reveal that move, let’s meet our main contestants.

Li Fong (Ben Wang) is a high schooler from Beijing, who trained in and studied Kung Fu under Mr. Han’s (Jackie Chan) tutelage. Educated in Hong Kong, but forced to move to New York after his mother Dr. Wong (Ming-Na Wen) accepted a job there, Li has a perfect American accent, enjoys stuffed crust pizza, and is terrible at calculus. How about a round of applause for Li-i-i-i Fo-o-o-ong!

In the opposite corner is Conor Day (Aramis Knight). According to Conor’s ex-girlfriend Mia (Sadie Stanley), Conor is a “psycho” and “one of those mistakes she’s not going to make any more.” Conor enjoys scowling, surprise kicking his sparring partners in the head, and scowling while kicking his sparring partners in the head. Conor enjoys sucker punching people on the subway and signaling goons to jump potential opponents and old men, even in the middle of crowded areas. Give it up for Con-n-n-nor Da-a-a-y! Or not! He’s a real wanker.

While we have a moment, let’s thank our sponsor – Victory Pizza. Locally owned by boxing legend Victor Lipani (Joshua Jackson) – if winning NY boxing tournaments counts as legendary *pause for laughter* – Victory Pizza serves traditional New York pies; you won’t find stuffed crust there. Located right around the corner from the Fongs’ apartment, you’ll be greeted by Victor’s lovely daughter Mia (yes, the very same Mia who dumped Conor) or, if you’re lucky, goons sent by local loan shark and dojo owner (where Conor trains) O’Shea (Tim Rozon). Victor owes O’Shea a substantial amount of money, so head on down to Victory Pizza for a slice or two to help Victor keep his knees.

Coaching Li is Mr. Han and *drumroll* the man you’ve waited nearly an hour of the movie to see – Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio). Both men have  travelled a long way to work with young Li for no real reason. LaRusso joins us from Reseda, California, and Han all the way from Beijing. Together, they spent almost an entire week playfully bantering with each other while occasionally working with Li to hone Li’s skills and perfect a devastating trap move they dubbed the Tiger Trap. Did you hear me people? ONE WHOLE WEEK!! Can. You. Believe. It!? (Don’t answer that)

The Tiger Trap move isn’t just any run of the mill move that can be learned by boring old traditional training. It can only be learned with the help of a subway turnstile. Yes, I said a subway turnstile. Why do you think Jackie Chan’s in this movie? The move itself is dear to Li’s heart. It includes the use of his dead brother’s own super-secret move – the dragon kick. Yes, I said dead brother. All movies whose target audience is children are contractually required to include at least one dead family member.

Before we begin, let’s get a quick recap of how we got here.

First, I had jury duty. That’s not a joke. I had to spend an entire day listening to evidence and witnesses agree – yes, they all agreed – that Man A taped a sign to Man B’s sign, admitted that he did it at the time, apologized at the time to Man B, and still found himself facing charges of defacing property and trespassing because Man B is a shitty human being. This was a real case in a real court that cost real time and real money and I am not exaggerating at all. And since the case ran late, I arrived at the movie in the middle of the opening scene, where the film was doing a bit of retconning of Mr. Miyagi. Now you know why I sound the way I do.

Second, when O’Shea’s goons went to pay Victor a little visit, Li went all Jackie Chan on their asses. Seeing Li in action, Victor convinced Li to train him for a boxing match with a prize large enough to pay off his to loan to O’Shea. Given that Li decided to compete in this karate tournament to win money for Victor, you can guess how Victor’s boxing match went.

Third, writer Rob Lieber and director Jonathan Entwistle were ordered to make a movie that marries the Karate Kid films with the Cobra Kai series while also adhering to the original film’s formula. And boy did they ever do that second thing while paying lip service to that first thing. And they did it in thirty fewer minutes than the original (Legends finishes in a brisk ninety-four minutes), mostly by refusing to do silly things like develop characters or flesh out plot points. But that’s not why you’re really here, right folks?

You’re here to see some fighting so, let’s get ready to ru-m-m-m-b-l-l-l-le!