Fountain Of Youth Review: An Indiana Jones Knock-Off

Published 10 hours ago• 6 minute read

a scrappy but earnest crime flick that established the young director's iconoclastic voice and propensity for bloke-forward, sweatily masculine stories. Ritchie's films are rarely elegant, and only look as polished as his budgets will allow. He tends to vaunt flippant, laidback protagonists, who would just as soon fire up a bong with you than go on an adventure. His Sherlock Holmes was less a detective as a brilliant dude with his own man-cave and a membership to a fight club. In his "The Man from U.N.C.L.E.," when Napoleon Solo (Henry Cavill) released he had been drugged, he casually laid down on a couch, careful not to muss his hair; he knew what being drugged felt like. Even Ritchie's King Arthur (Charlie Hunnam), in the ultra-bomb "King Arthur: Legend of the Sword," was a lager lout, announcing the Round Table by saying, "It's a table. You sit at it."

But when Ritchie directed the horrendously bland Disney remake "Aladdin," he proved that he could swallow all of his directorly instincts and toe the company line. "Aladdin" could have been directed by anyone, presenting its crisp digital visuals and impeccably arranged songs with the kind of pat, commercial efficiency usually handled by a Brett Ratner or a Shawn Levy. Ritchie, in addition to being a scrappy lover of smoky British blokes, was also an obedient company man, capable of following studio notes and turning in bland-but-generally-watchable blockbusters.

Ritchie is most certainly in the latter mold with "Fountain of Youth," an earnest Rip-Off of the Lost Ark, presented without a hint of humor, self-awareness, or irony. "Fountain of Youth" is as safe and predictable as movies come, trying to recapture — with only fitfully success — a lighthearted caper tone of early Spielberg. The film lacks the wonderment and excitement of Indiana Jones, but it's not quite as dumb as "The Da Vinci Code," and certainly less obnoxious than, say, "Red Notice."

That, however, is the matrix on which this film falls.

The team of globe-trotting heisters in Fountain of Youth.

Apple TV+

John Krasinski plays Luke, a charming, jokey art thief who, thanks to his heisting habits, has attracted enemies around the globe. While running from one said enemy in the film's Bangkok-set opening, Luke runs afoul of a dazzlingly attractive INTERPOL cop named Esme (Eiza González) and they instantly form a Valjean/Javert relationship, only with a hair more sexual tension. Like everything in this film, though, the relationships are established through obvious snippets of dialogue, not any kind of genuine chemistry.

Luke then flees to his sister Charlotte (Natalie Portman) who is in the middle of a messy divorce. Charlotte, as mentioned above, uses plain, expository dialogue to talk about her and Luke's stalled relationship with their dead, treasure-hunting father, and how Luke is an irascible criminal because of unresolved daddy issues. Their backstory would be dull even if it had been presented subtly and discreetly, but the script (by "Zodiac" and "Scream VI" scribe James Vanderbilt) clangs so loudly with its brazen perspicuity that its clichés seem all the more apparent. Charlotte is a museum curator, and Luke immediately gets on her bad side by snatching a painting from the wall right in front of her. This introduces another clichéd cop character, this one played by Arian Moayed. Who, to be fair, looks dazzling in a houndstooth coat.

Luke, on the lam, also snatches Charlotte herself, and enlists her to join his band of merry heisters, which includes Patrick (Laz Alonso), Deb (Carmen Ejogo), and his mysterious benefactor, the cancer-ridden billionaire Owen (Domhnall Gleeson).

Five people raiding a tomb in Fountain of Youth.

Apple TV+

Stop me if you've heard this one: it seems that there are secret codes written in invisible ink on the backs of the paintings that Luke has been stealing. If correctly deciphered, they may lead to the location of the Fountain of Youth. Like, the actual natural spring that is said to grant eternal life. The same one Gilgamesh was looking for.

And, yes, "Fountain of Youth" is borrowing plot points from the Epic of Gilgamesh, literally the oldest story known to humankind. Charlotte reluctantly agrees to join Luke on his globe-trotting adventures to decipher his painting glyphs. Their adventures will include raising the wreck of the Lusitania (!) to retrieve a hidden painting on board, as well as stealing a copy of the Wicked Bible (the real-life misprint that read "Thou shalt commit adultery" in the book of Exodus) located in a library in Vienna.

When Dan Brown wrote "The Da Vinci Code," he covered up his archeological hooey with an insufferable cloak of portent, pretending that hidden Bible codes and ancient painting clues were somehow philosophically important. Heck, even Jon Turteltaub's 2004 bauble-hunting flick "National Treasure" tried to tie an element of hefty, history-forward American patriotism into its caper sequences. In merciful contrast, "Fountain of Youth" remains joyously insubstantial, its heroes too cool to be impressed by the great art they are constantly surrounded by. It's a featherweight hunk of Disney-like treacle, tapping into everything you learned in 9th grade history.

Luke, Owen, and Charlotte in front of a stone portal in Fountain of Youth.

Apple TV+

Sadly, as a leading man, John Krasinski is just as insubstantial as the film around him. He is not funny enough to be an irascible, lovable f***-up, abut he's also not sexual or dazzling enough to be a Danny Ocean-like charmer. He, like everything else in "Fountain of Youth" is efficient. Dare I say, he lacks the charisma to hold together a film like this. Natalie Portman, meanwhile, is trying to take her character seriously, but she is undone by the film's bland writing; Charlotte swings wildly back and forth between enjoying herself and being outraged about almost being shot, all contingent of the requirements of the scene. She never seems truly afraid. And if Luke is flippant and whimsical — which also means he's never afraid — there's never any sense of danger.

The film's pacing is tight and swift, and its visuals are wide-open and easy-to-comprehend. The best one can say for "Fountain of Youth" is that it is systematically coherent and easily watchable. Which, I understand, is faint praise. The kind of visual and storytelling clarity that Ritchie presents in "Fountain of Youth" should be part of any major blockbuster's birthright. Too many blockbusters are bogged down with muddy photography, clumsy editing, and no sense of spatial continuity. That Ritchie was able to master those things for "Fountain of Youth" merely meant that he rose to the middle.

And that's where I'll have to leave "Fountain of Youth." It's an unambitious world-traveling adventure cloaked in your grandfather's favorite sweater. It was old before it started, known before we knew it. You've seen it before, and you'll see it again. It has "smart person stuff" in it (Rembrandt! Classical music! The Pyramids!), but it's not actually smart or thoughtful or even aware of history. It's an expensive cartoon to fall asleep to. It is the definition of average.

"Fountain of Youth" will premiere globally on Apple TV+ on May 23, 2025.

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